Miami has been named the eighth best coffee city in the country. That, friends, is an insult.
Down here we are used to such defamation. Sports media hates the Canes. Certain media outlets in cold, filthy and inhospitable climes write condescending articles about how Miami just can’t live up to the lofty, egalitarian, elevated wonderfulness of the northeast.
And now, a new WalletHub survey says our city is the no. 8 Best Coffee City in America.
Our issues with this rating are far and wide-ranging. Here’s why:
- Cuban coffee
- Cuban coffee and ventanitas
The no. 1 city, according to WalletHub, is New York, which is to be expected. New York is always no. 1. Just ask any New Yorker, he’ll tell you. Or don’t ask. He’ll tell you anyway.
We are skeptical that New York’s dirty bean water flavored liberally with Sweet ‘N Low makes the town the Best Coffee City In America. We are also skeptical that Seattle, home of Starbucks, is No. 2 . This is the brand that managed to make the elixir of life taste like burned cardboard and keeps secretly raising its prices.
Starbucks also created a Blonde Espresso, which I believe we can all agree is unforgivable.
Is there anywhere in Seattle you can walk up to a window, fork over a dollar and receive the sweet nectar of a cortadito? Can you order a cortadito at a gas station’s drive-thru window? If you say “cortadito” to a Seattle barista does he even know what it means? No. He doesn’t. He’s too busy wondering if his favorite pho place has that new artisanal craft beer and acting like he never drinks at Starbucks, which he totally does.
WalletHub’s data includes shops per capita, the price of a cappuccino and the average price of a pack of coffee. The other cities ranking above Miami are San Francisco; Portland, Oregon; Los Angeles; Washington, D.C. and Chicago. In Chicago they think deep dish pizza tastes good. Should we really trust them?
In Miami, we have it all: ventanitas. Down here, even Starbucks has a ventanita. If you want the hipster variety, hit up Panther Coffee. Want super pretentious but brain-numbingly good brews? Try Blue Bottle in the Design District and in Aventura.
Miami has plenty of problems. But I think we can all agree that we’ve mastered coffee.