By now, surely you know that Wonder Woman is awesome – both the movie and Wonder Woman herself. But how much more amazing would she be if she were from Miami?
We grabbed a cafe con leche and thought it over.
1. Her high-flying leaps would be even more astounding
Forget honing her skills by jumping around the rocky peaks of Themyscira (which admittedly looks like a nice place for a time share). A Miami-born Wonder Woman would have practiced jumping over Doral’s Mount Trashmore and past 10-mile traffic jams on the Palmetto.
2. She'd trade in the Golden Lasso of Truth
Wonder Woman would not be using a lariat to force facts out of bad guys. She’d be wielding the Golden Bottle of Bacardi, a well-known Miami serum that leads those who come in contact with it to admit to things they don’t want to, like how much they like the new Flo Rida song and that they actually bought tickets to a Marlins game.
3. She'd swap that shield out for a better weapon, too.
When she really wants to stop the firebolts of a god, she whips out the Magic Chancleta, which also doubles as a useful tool to throw at the heads of lazy teenagers.
4. That boomerang tiara has its own origin story
She wore it at to her quinceañera. Her escort was Pitbull. The night, it was magic.
5. She'd be fighting a different sort of bad guy
Instead of evil German warmongers, Miami’s Wonder Woman would take on even more insidious villains: the purveyors of toxic butt lifts. She would infiltrate every garage in Hialeah, wreaking destruction and showing ungrateful women that you do not need Fix-a-Flat shot into your ass to be desirable. She would also reign her judgement on those people who don’t use their turn signals.
6. She'd need to ditch that armor
Look, all that metal might be fine in the Amazonian homeland, but in Miami, she’s going to get third degree burns if she wears it on the beach. Let’s get this superhero into a tasteful bikini and melt down those heavy bracelets into sunglasses. She’ll be a lot more comfortable.