Congressional candidate Bettina Rodriguez Aguilera claims she has been to infinity and beyond. The Miami Herald reports that YouTube videos have surfaced in which the former Doral city council member says she was visited by aliens when she was 7 years old. Her extraterrestrial friends have also slipped her a few telepathic DMs since that meeting.
According to the story, the visit was a low key event. Just tea time with “three blond, big-bodied beings” who showed her around the ship and shared some timeless knowledge. They told her the world’s “energy center” is in Africa, God is a universal energy and that you can find 30,000 skulls — “different from humans” — in a cave in Malta.
That’s super useful information for mankind. Rodriguez Aguilera, who has only raised 10k for her campaign in the race for Ileana Ros-Lehtinen’s congressional seat, released a statement challenging haters.
“For years people, including Presidents like Ronald Reagan and Jimmy Carter and astronauts have publicly claimed to have seen unidentified flying objects and scientists like Stephen Hawking and institutions like the Vatican have stated that there are billions of galaxies in the universe and we are probably not alone,” she said.
But she doesn’t need to respond to haters. Here is why her alien contacts could be a real boon for Miami.
The aliens might have good ideas about solving traffic issues
Now that she knows someone who has shattered the space-time continuum, maybe they can tell her how to get some federal funds down to Miami to expand the on-ramp that connects the Dolphin to I-95 north. Or perhaps they could do a collab with Tesla to make flying cars real.
The aliens can teach us about fuel efficiency
According to Rodriguez Aguilera there were “some quartz rocks that controlled the ship.” You can find quartz at a kiosk in Bayside, so if the aliens could just send us some blueprints, Miami will lead the world in sustainability.
The aliens will teach us about body acceptance
Rodriguez Aguilera described the aliens as “big-bodied beings,” meaning this is a race that celebrates the plus-size figure. No fat shaming here.
The aliens will teach us to appreciate our historic landmarks
Ever been to The Coral Castle, that tourist attraction in South Miami-Dade? According to Rodriguez Aguilera, the aliens said it is actually an ancient Egyptian pyramid and not just a weird monument that some guy built to get a girlfriend. Next, they may tell us that the Mall of the Americas is a portal into a parallel universe.
The aliens can help us evacuate
That space ship Rodriguez Aguilera describes could be a great way for Miami residents to escape a major hurricane. Just bring some quartz so the ship doesn’t run out of power.