The 5 biggest lies about Miami traffic

People love to speculate about the traffic situation in Miami. Here are the most common misconceptions that get passed around like colada cups at 3 p.m. 

1. “Traffic is lighter in the summer because the kids are out of school.”

Really? Join me, if you will, on the Palmetto at 7 p.m. on a weekday. Explain to me why there are cars stopped on both sides of the highway. What are all these people doing, making an emergency run to The Christmas Palace?

2. “Drivers in South Florida are used to driving in the rain.”

Then why are they slapping on their blinkers and slamming on their brakes when there isn’t enough precipitation to bother with windshield wipers? It rains here every day till October, people. You can slow down, but you need to butch up.

3. “You will now be ticketed for driving slowly in the left lane.”

Better tell the guy in front of me in the 1974 Toyota Corolla with two mattresses tied to the roof. He’s barely hitting 40 mph. Which is probably fine, because the woman in front of him is sexting her boyfriend, putting on eyeliner, drinking a skinny latte and booking her next vacation on Travelocity.

4. “The express lanes improve traffic.”

Yes, if by “improve traffic” you mean “wreak complete and utter chaos on the fabric of our lives.” Let me take you on a little trip to a magical place we call northbound I-95 near Ives Dairy Road. No such thing as rush hour there – it’s always at a standstill. This is the most reliable fact about Miami except for “the Dolphins won’t make the playoffs.”

5. “There’s a plan to deal with traffic.”

Lots of smart people have suggested lots of smart ideas to cope with our driving headaches. Will any of them be implemented? LOL.