Spring Break is upon us. For Miami residents, that means avoiding South Beach for an entire month. Not a terrible idea, not at all.
If you’re a local college student and/or a young adult visiting Miami, we already know you’ll be hitting up South Beach. And we get it. There’s just something about warm weather, liquor and crowds of other college kids looking for their next turn up. Fine.
But before you get here, there’s something you should know. We will not take responsibility for any of the following groups (and it’s in your best interest to be able to spot and avoid them).
A pack of more than three frat boys
Nope. This group of unhinged day drinkers do not represent Miami at large. They’ll be hootin’ and hopping and hollering on the beach, usually between Fifth and Eighth streets, throughout Spring Break. Let them. Don’t get too close, and don’t make eye contact or you might get sucked into a too-intense drinking game or unsolicited advances.
Maybe they aren’t so bad in their natural habitat. But introduce them to the sun, and they get all pink and red and peeling. Poor things – except they’re not charity cases. Slip up and start a conversation with them, and next thing you know they’ve dropped out of school to propose to their new exotic love (you). Beware.
Ocean Drive hawkers
OK, we admit that hawking is signature South Beach stuff even outside of Spring Break. We still want nothing to do with this. Our advice for avoiding Ocean Drive hawkers? There are two sidewalks: One adjacent to all the restaurants and hotels, and one on the other side of the street closest to the actual ocean. Stick with the latter. You won’t be bothered AND you can actually enjoy the Art Deco architecture.
Groups of drunk girls
They were fun three hours ago. Now they’re just a walking liability. These ladies can be seen stumbling down South Beach streets barefoot. They talk too loud and start fights with Uber drivers. They hug each other unnecessarily. They will hug you, too. Do you want to be hugged by a 100-pound girl who just drank a 32-ounce Call-A-Cab at Wet Willies? She is about to throw up, and she doesn’t want to do it on her girlfriends. Steer clear.
Men with immaculate eyebrows
We don’t really know how to explain this, but it’s definitely a thing. Women, can you really trust a man with better brows than you? Eh.
People who wear bathing suits everywhere
So listen, we know that you are on vacation. But if you are not at the beach or seated in the al fresco section of an Ocean Drive restaurant, you need to cover up. Even if you walk one block west to Collins Avenue, wrap a towel around your waist. The farther away from the beach, the more you need to cover up. Anyone who doesn’t know that is dangerous and should not be trusted.