People in Miami say bad things about Kendall. But really, it’s magical. Here’s why.

Is this sign still up? We don't even know. Miami Herald Archives 1994

People in Miami like to trash talk Kendall. They say a lot of bad things. Like:

  1. Kendall is a suburban wasteland of strip malls and subdivisions.
  2. There’s nothing to do in Kendall.
  3. Janky people are from Kendall.
  4. Kendall sucks.
  5. My mom lives in Kendall. I live in Brickell with five roommates.
  6. What is Kendall?

Read more: Hialeah is the punching bag of Miami. Here’s why that’s messed up.

If you don’t know what Kendall is, here’s a quick primer:

Kendall isn’t one actual neighborhood. Or even a city, although the U.S. Census has defined its boundaries. Look at this map:

They are claiming all the area south of the Snapper Creek canal from US 1 to the Turnpike ending just north of Richmond Heights. But the truth is no one knows where Kendall begins and no one knows where it ends. All we know is that it is a magical place where only good things happen.

Here are all of Kendall’s finer attributes:

You don’t ever have to worry about event traffic

This is the Adrienne Arsht Center for the Performing Arts, home to theater, music, dance and opera. It is not in Kendall.

If you are stuck in bumper to bumper traffic on Kendall Drive, rest assured there is an accident ahead. There are no stadiums, performing arts theaters or mega clubs clogging up traffic because there are no stadiums, performing arts theaters or mega clubs in Kendall.

You will always find parking

A typical strip mall in Kendall has parking as far at the eye can see. That doesn’t mean you aren’t going to drive around until you find a spot that saves you 30 seconds of walking. Duh.

What is the point of living in suburban sprawl if you can’t drive your Hummer a quarter of a mile to a Publix plaza and find a spot right out front? And we will waste half a tank of gas circling the lot for that prime spot. Walking is for suckers.

Affordable golf courses

Just ignore the giant electrical posts snaking through the course.Miami Herald Archives

The weekend rate at Killian Greens for 18 holes is only $45. If you walk the whole course it costs only $24. That’s a fraction of what fancy-pants places like The Biltmore charge. Just try not to get run over by some idiot driver speeding down Killian Parkway when you have to hit holes 10 through 13.

There is a secret highway in Kendall

This is the number of cars you find on the Snapper Creek Expressway at any given time.Miami Herald Archives

Have you ever heard of the Snapper Creek Expressway? No? I’ve said too much.

The dream of ’80s is alive in Kendall

Super Wheels is freaking magical.Alex Kolyer/Miami Herald Archives

There is a quad skate roller rink (Super Wheels), an ice skating rink ( the boringly named Kendall Ice Arena) and a legit arcade where you can play Frogger and Galaga (Arcade Odyssey). Kendall also has two skate parks. You could set a John Hughes movie in Kendall.

There’s a buzzy restaurant

Niven Patel knows that Kendall is the place to be.Photo by Nick Garcia

Singular. We are talking, of course about Ghee, a restaurant with a James Beard Award nominated chef at the helm (Niven Patel). Don’t say you are in Dadeland, Ghee. You are in Kendall. Let’s not even mention the fact that he opened another Ghee in Design District. Can’t we have anything just for ourselves?

Basic attire is our uniform

We just tell everyone we are en route to a pedicure. LIES.

Flip flops and activewear make up the wardrobe for being out and about in Kendall. On weekends, we pull out that discounted Michael Kors dress we got at TJ Maxx.

Dandy Bear

What is the bear looking at over there? We don’t know. But he looks worried.

You’ve never heard of Dandy Bear? It’s like Chuck E. Cheese but with broken glass. This is an indoor playland of fun, where someone thought it would be smart to have an unsupervised indoor zip line. It has since been removed.

Kendall is super Instagrammable

Everyone needs a photo of themselves in front of a rooster smoking a cigar.Courtesy of Rogue Crew

Forget Wynwood. Kendall is ripe with opportunities to be Insta-famous. Take the La Carreta rooster, for example. He is conveniently located right by the parking lot. #cafecito #ventanita #parqueo #nofilter