Miami, this is your year. Here are the New Year’s resolutions you need for 2019

We've got high hopes for you, Miami.

We are staring down a new year and resolving to be better. Are you doing the same? Vowing to stop all your bad habits, like communicating with other drivers via the use of one finger?

Good for you! Be best. But what about our city? Is it resolving to be better? Does it have a plan for improvement in 2019?

We suspect not, because Miami. So we have taken the liberty of making a few New Year’s resolutions for the city. Here’s what you should do in 2019, Magic City.

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Finish a road construction project

836 would be a solid place to start.

Pick a construction project, any construction project. The turnpike. 836. 826. Just finish one. Please. We’re begging here.

Find a permanent home for Ultra


You know Key Biscayne is not the long term answer. Bayfront Park makes so much more sense. But if you don’t want to put it there, well, we DID offer some other suggestions of where it could go.

Try to keep the feces in the water to a minimum

Crandon North Beach has been one of the epicenters of feces this year.

Particularly around the Fourth of July, when we kinda like to swim.

Instruct drivers to put stickers in the right place on license tags

We need community outreach to stop this nightmare.

You wouldn’t think this would be a difficult thing to learn, but apparently Miami drivers can’t get it right.

Fix Bayside

Let’s get a food hall up in this piece.

Cocowalk and even lowly Sunset Place are getting makeovers. Why does Bayside have to remain so terrible?

Name Biscayne Boulevard after Dwyane Wade

Courtesy of Miami Heat


This is a no brainer. In fact, name everything after him.

Stifle the duck uprising

Ducks are punks.Pedro Portal

They’d kill us if they had the chance.

Teach the drivers of Miami how to use turn signals

Wait. This is impossible. Never mind.