Think only Irish-immigrant strongholds like Chicago and Boston have a lockdown on St. Patrick’s Day? Hold on to your bagpipes, lads: Here are a few reasons why the Magic City is the best place for a St.Paddy’s party outside the Emerald Isle.
1. Erin Go Braless
And pants-less, too, if you want. With temperatures up north still hovering in the less-than-balmy 50s, wouldn’t you want to party in the tropics? Just think how awesome your shillelagh will look tucked in a shamrock Speedo.
2. We Still Have Scary Snakes
Legend has it St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. We’re guessing he never made it to the Everglades, where invasive Burmese pythons wreak havoc so cinematically spectacular even the alligators are taken aback.
3. Santeros Beat Leprechauns Any Day
Pink hearts, yellow moons and orange stars may be magically delicious, but if we want lucky charms we will head to a botánica in order to summon the supernatural majesty of an Afro-Caribbean orisha, thanks very much.
4. Gwinus? Güeyne? Geenos?!?
One of the unexpected pleasures of living in a multicultural town is listening to people of various tongues try to order a Guinness at a crowded bar. And yet, somehow, the bartender always knows what they mean. A St. Paddy’s Day miracle!
5. High Drama
Perhaps no one on earth can tell a tale of woe, heartbreak and humor better than the Irish, who count among their noted storytellers literary luminaries like James Joyce and Oscar Wilde. Perhaps no one — except a native Miamian. Want to hear a story of misery that will rival Angela’s Ashes? Just ask your cousin about the time she dropped the keys to her Lexus down a storm grate outside Dolphin Mall, and had to find a way back to the Hammocks before her parents woke up. Epic.
6. We Have Actual Irish People
Yes, we have some! (They are usually unrecognizable under spackled-on SPF 80 and sunhats.) Check them out in their full Celtic regalia at the South Florida Emerald Society’s 37th Annual St. Patrick’s Day Festival in Coral Gables, which features bagpipers, Irish dancers and boatloads of corned beef and cabbage. Added bonus: The super adorbs Miss Colleen pageant, where every young lass of Irish heritage who enters gets a crown, because, according to the rules, “All are winners – as it should be for the Irish.”
7. We Will Totally Kiss You
It doesn’t matter if you’re Irish or not even vaguely Irish-ish. We will, as a matter of civic pride, make out with your face. Or at the very least give you a polite abuelita air kiss. Irregardless, you’re getting smooched, bro.