UPDATE: This was published Jan. 2. Today is Jan. 17. ALL OF THIS APPLIES.
So remember how you were posting photographs of your sunny, warm holidays on the beach, Florida? Payback time is here. Cold weather is coming. And those flip flops are not going to cut it.
Here in the 305 we lose our minds when temperatures dip below 70. We’re used to sweating, and starting Wednesday, we could see lows in the 40s and highs in the 60s.
No, we’re not going to get snow – though some northern parts of Florida might – Miami is definitely not going to be its usual caliente self for the next couple of days.
Here’s what happens when Miami realizes cold weather is on the way.
We start searching madly for our socks
We have no idea which drawer they are in or why we can only find one of each pair. Socks are not part of our daily lives.
We are thrilled we can legit light a fire in the fireplace
If you have a fireplace, you’ve been cranking down the a/c and lighting a fire as soon as temps hit 68, and that makes us sad. Now you can finally act like it’s winter.
We argue about how cold it has to be to turn on the heat
We live in Florida. Heat is not in our budget. So we stubbornly refuse to keep ourselves warm, even when the dog starts shivering. We just put on another hoodie and gut it out.
We realize our winter jackets mostly consist of hoodies
Never got around to buying a real jacket.
If we have jackets, we are embarrassed by their age
OK, seriously, that coat you wore at the University of Florida in the ’90s is not cutting it. Even the ski jacket you got for that trip to Steamboat Springs is looking pretty beat. Time for a trip to the Burlington Coat Factory.
There’s only one scarf in the closet, and we are going to wear the hell out of it until it’s 80 again
We only get two days a year to hide our neck wattles.
We wear boots 24/7
That’s right. Even when we sleep. Because you only get so many chances to wear boots in Florida.
We complain about how cold our houses are even after it warms up
People, they are SUPPOSED to stay cold. We live in a state that’s hot as hell. Those tile floors and concrete block walls are your friends most of the year.
Some of us will pretend it’s not cold at all
We are going to the beach, and you can’t stop us.