The Miami Dolphins kick off their 2018 NFL season this weekend, which means only one thing: Bartenders and therapists in Miami are going to have their hands full for the next few months.
Notorious heartbreakers since approximately 1973, the Fins open with a home game at Hard Rock Stadium against the Tennessee Titans. We don’t know if they will win or lose. We only know that some Sunday in the near future, we will be hurling items at the TV, using phrases that would upset our mothers and wondering why those offensive line problems STILL AREN’T FIXED.
Being a Dolphins fan is hard. So here are a few tips for surviving this season.
Repeat after me: Jay Cutler is gone
Luckily, we’ll still have those Smokin’ Jay memes.
Pretend Jay Ajayi never existed
The former Dolphin scored two touchdowns for his new team, the Philadelphia Eagles, in the first NFL game of the 2018 season. And he helped Philly win the Super Bowl last year against Thanos, too. But you must let him go and ignore him like that ex who keeps trying to borrow money. It’s the only way to maintain sanity.
Keep reminding fans of other teams about that perfect season
It’s not annoying at all.
If the games get out of hand, stuff your face at the new stadium concessions
It is a fact that Mojo Donuts and pizza are effective in fighting those Why Can We Only Kick Field Goals Blues.
Alcohol has been proven to minimize the agony provoked by missed tackles and decades of poor decisions on draft day. But don’t be that sloppy drunk in the stands. Drink safely and quietly in the privacy of your own home, so that you can cry in peace.
Remind yourself that time’s winged chariot will eventually catch up with Tom Brady
It has to, right? RIGHT?
Remember that this year no coach will record a viral video of himself doing blow
I mean, we hope, anyway.
Tennessee Titans at Miami Dolphins
1 p.m. Sept. 9, Hard Rock Stadium, 347 Shula Drive, Miami Gardens; tickets here.