10 ways to know you are at a Miami wedding

Via Etsy.com, WedSet shop.

Miami is a great place to tie the knot, so locals have been to more weddings than we care to remember. Some of us are even in the cycle of second and third weddings, which is …different (why are you wearing a white dress and veil when you have four grown kids?). Nevertheless, a wedding is always a joyous occasion. If you have never been to a Miami wedding, here’s what to expect.

1. The bride is late

Super late. Something happened. Hair crisis, wardrobe malfunction, bridesmaid drama, traffic. Who knows? The guests wander the church pews gossiping about how this is so typical of [fill in the blank]. When she finally shows up, she’s flawless, and everyone will rejoice because they are that much closer to the reception’s open bar.

2. The guests are late

You can’t start a wedding without a critical mass, and in Miami everyone assumes they can just sneak in at the end of the ceremony and then hit the fun part with the drinking and food. The problem is when every single wedding guest has this same plan.

3. You will be kicked out of the venue

You can’t hold up a church for an extra two hours, people. They have a funeral service lined up in 10 minutes.

4. There will be a conga line

The chicken dance is for Midwesterners. Conga lines are what we are all about in Miami. You don’t even have to be Cuban.

5. There may be a mascot

If you see a costumed creature bouncing around the reception, don’t be surprised. That’s just Burnie, the Miami Heat mascot. Why is he there? Because Miami. If there is a Canes alum getting hitched, Sebastian the Ibis might swing by as well.

6. The weather will not cooperate

If you are at an outdoor wedding in January, expect by a day-long cold snap (that’s anything under 60 degrees). If you are going to a beach wedding in June, you will be doused by a sudden storm and/or pass out from heatstroke. If the wedding and reception take place indoors, you are guaranteed clear skies, zero humidity and a balmy 73 degrees outside.

7. Old ladies fighting over the centerpieces

It will be funny and sad at the same time.

8. Old ladies dancing with teenagers

Someone has to teach these kids to salsa.

9. Flirty open bar staff

They know you aren’t paying for those drinks so they must charm you into tipping.

10. A table of guests hating on the entire affair

You should be at that table. Why aren’t you at that table? It’s the best seat in the house.