The NYC Department of Health recently announced five finalists out of more than 600 entries to their condom design contest, a public effort to promote safer sex in the city. The winning design will be produced and distributed for free at bars, gyms, coffee houses, and clinics. The finalists’ designs are NYC-inspired, such as one featuring the entendre of a subway entering a tunnel, and another with an ever-so-subtle manhole cover.
This got us thinking—what if The Magic City hopped on this rubber bandwagon and had a contest of its own? Yeah, New York has been kicking around as an incorporated city for a good 100 years longer than us, but that doesn’t mean we’re lacking in culture (not like, ballerinas and fine arts and things—more the quintessential culture—Sábado Gigante, the “Miami accent,” The U, ‘Towners, Slip-n-Slide Records, pythons eating alligators whole, anything featured in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, and all that other charming stuff that makes us, us. And such as.)
So, Miami-Dade Health Department, once you’ve figured out that zillion dollar blackhole that Jackson Health conjured seemingly overnight, maybe you can hook it up with some 305-esque love gloves, gratis. Here are some ideas to get you started:
Café Cubano Multi-size Pack
Ladies, consider keeping this multi-pack in the bedside when you’re not sure what your amorous new hook-up buddy is packing. Sizes are subtly marked by pictures of three varying sizes of Cuban coffee—the tiny cafecito, the average cortadito, and the grande café con leche. Protect the egos of fragile cafecitos; ditch the glaring labels of Lifestyles Snugger Fit and go for these instead.
The Palace’s Life’s a Drag Show Series
The show will go on: oceanfront gay bar The Palace recently won a noise complaint issue brought against them by uppity hotelier neighbor The Tides, allowing their Sunday morning Gospel Drag Brunch to carry on in all its cross-dressing glory. And thank the flying spaghetti monster for that—what would Sunday morning be without scrambled eggs, mimosas, and 100 decibels of It’s Not Right But It’s Okay? In celebration, the Life’s a Drag Show Series would feature The Palace’s loudest, raunchiest, most raucous performers. Can I get an amen?
Filthy Club Floor Series
Back from the club, stranger on your arm, time to drunkenly bone! Use these as a visual reminder that foregoing a condom should not be an option. You’re about to be trick-nasty-intimate with a person who has been dancing, sweating, using the bathroom, leaning against, even quite possibly falling all over a vomit-covered establishment that only closes when the sun comes up, at which time, an old man with a wheely bucket comes to halfheartedly swab up the place. Post club-going sex should probably require Hazmat gear, but you’ll have to make due with these.
Romero Britto Naughty Bits Series
Miami artist Romero Britto’s brush is a wide one, with a technicolor reach that swaths suburban malls, beach storefronts, high rises, the airport, and other flat surfaces with perennially chipper dogs, cat, flowers, and other things you learned to draw at age eight. Let the visual assault continue with the Britto Naughty Bits condom series, depicting a “happy lady flower” and a “giddy man bat.” (Note: No pic of this one in the slideshow, dude is lawyered up and we don’t need an injunction up in here).
It’s just, like, a must. Slap on Tony Montana with his M16, add some minor ego-friendly “not so little friend” adjustment on the wording, and we’re good to go. Ship ’em down to the frats already!