Get out of town! Save yourselves! You don't want to get shot/stuck in traffic, do you?!
Miami has always been a drama queen, so it's no surprise she gets all worked up when hoards of thonged ladies and blinged papas take to SoBe. Wait, isn't that, um, every weekend?
I'm tired of hearing people describe this weekend as some kind of Dawn of the Dead meets Grand Theft Auto apocalypse. Sure, I was planning on avoiding South Beach this weekend - but for the same reason I try to every weekend (no parking, $20 drinks, Ed Hardy-induced vomiting). Until this morning.
I climbed onto the elliptical machine (program #6 - gluteals) at the gym, choosing the one in front of a flatscreen tuned to VH1 in hopes of catching a Flavor of Love re-run. Instead, I learned that mornings are devoted to actual music videos (go figure) from artists grown-up MTV thinks people my age might like. This apparently includes Usher. I don't know much about Usher, except that he likes to keep his shirt unbuttoned, preferably done so by wind, and that he's hot*. So yeah, Usher, sure I'll watch your new video, "Make Love in the Club," on VH1 while working on my buns of steel.
At this point, you could just watch the video on YouTube, but I suggest you read my sassy (as the Miami.com fabu-clerk likes to say) play-by-play.
The video starts out with Usher sitting in a fabulous club all by himself (as if).
Suddenly, a mystery girl appears. "Who are you?" he asks, and rightly so. "You're every desire," she whispers in his ear. (I decide at this point never to watch another music video without dialogue.) Then, just like that, she's gone. WTF?
Oh well, good thing Usher's sidekick/DJ is now there to start the actual song.
But wait, this song is so dope it brings mystery girl back from whatever vortex she disappeard into and they start grinding and Usher let's her know at this point that he wants "to make love in this club." First of all, ew. Second, if you were to get your freak on in a club, which is just an STD waiting to happen, it certainly wouldn't be considered "making love." Then again, get your freak on doesn't rhyme with club. (And as a friend just pointed out, neither does love.)
Apparently everyone wants to make love in the club, though, as the dance floor is now JUMPIN. Oh no, wait, now they're gone. Must have been a flash forward. Oh no, wait, there she is with her fellow sexy ladies at a VIP table. Phew. And in a nice nod to female empowerment, homegirl slips a diamond necklace in to his pocket. Hey, is that P. Diddy? And hey, a girl slips him a diamond necklace, too! But wait, Usher's rapping sidekick also gets a necklace. But he can't be bothered: he's got to do his rap solo.
All this talking about making love in the club has gotten Usher worked up, and that can only mean one thing: choreographed dance sequence time!**
But enough of that, mystery girl's face is pressed against a wall and her booty's sticking out, as if to say, yes Usher, it's time to make love in the club. Here is my booty.
Ugh, mother f-er she's gone again! The club's empty again, the music's stopped. Was it all a dream? Maybe if he goes outside and... oh, snap, suddenly he's in a smoky burnt out shell of a building. Maybe he was in a Matrix club.
See, at this point, Usher is supposed to look into his pocket and find the diamond necklace, like Cinderella and her glass slipper as proof of an awesome/sexy night. But he doesn't. Maybe that would be too obvious. Or maybe he forgot it's in there and will go home and wash it in his jeans. But this is all beside the point (aren't most blog entries?).
Point is, I just want to thank Usher for getting me pumped for Memorial Day weekend. And I suggest everyone watch this video to get inspired. Maybe it won't make you want to go make love in a club (for the love of hygiene, let's hope not), but hopefully it will inspire you to, oh, I don't know, get together with 10 of your closest friends and choreograph a dance. Or at least not to run screaming like a crazy person toward the mainland in fear of a few scooters or being kidnapped by Lil Wayne.
Just calm the frig down, fire up the BBQ and dance your way through a fabulous three-day weekend.
Happy Memorial Day!
* I lied: I also know that Usher had a duet with R. Kelly about dating the same (age appropriate) girl, and it was quite entertaining.
** I love dance sequences. If people in clubs actually broke out into choreographed dance a-la Step Up (and Step Up 2: the Streets), I would wait behind a velvet rope, pay a $20 cover and risk strobe light-induced seizures EVERY weekend.
-- miaeditor
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What you said
You have outdone yourself in amazing ways...this is hilarious. OMG! I saw this video and your play by play had me literally LOL. Just because of this awesome post I might just hop on my man's Suzuki SV650, wear my tightest jeans with a glow-in-the-dark undergarment (a bikini, of course) and hit up South Beach this weekend...now the love in the club part...hopefully that doesn't happen. Although my trusty bartender friend at Cameo does beg to differ.;) (Breaks into applause)... Read more
