Bride Wars (PG) *

If anyone asks you if you want to see Bride Wars, remember the right answer: I don't.

Connie Ogle, The Miami Herald

Every bit as idiotic as its trailer indicated it would be, Bride Wars is an insipid comedy in which the women are shallow, acquisitive, backstabbing, selfish harridans, and the men who agree to marry them are blank slates who exist solely to provide Tiffany boxes and the merchandise inside. If nothing else, the guys will make you appreciate Sex and the City's Big, who at least had a personality to go with his jewelry-purchasing function.

Women have been a box-office force ever since The Devil Wears Prada was released in 2006, and Sex and the City and Mamma Mia! have confirmed the happy tradition. But are we dumb or desperate enough to fall for the calculated vapidness of Bride Wars, which centers on Jersey girls Emma (Anne Hathaway, who is far too talented for this sort of drivel) and Liv (Kate Hudson, who is not)?

The best friends have dreamed of their wedding days since they were embryos. Emma is the good girl, a middle-school teacher who tries to please everyone. Liv is a successful, well-paid attorney, touted for her tough negotiating skills. (Don't worry, sexists, you'll get your desserts; she'll melt down soon enough under all the pressure of planning a wedding. Just as women are wont to do.) The casting of Hudson as a brilliant legal mind may well be the funniest bit in the movie, especially considering that these grown women screaming at the sight of a Tiffany box make Carrie Bradshaw seem as intelligent and restrained as Susan Sontag.

The friendship swiftly unravels, though, when a snafu leaves the women with the same wedding date at the same venue. And so these maids without honor turn on each other.

Bride Wars is equipped with all the traditional wedding elements: something old (Candice Bergen in her tiresome recurring role as a bitchy yet stylish matron, this time a swanky wedding planner); something new (brides-to-be who think they can book The Plaza a mere three months in advance); something borrowed (just about every gag), and something blue (you, after paying to see it). Unfortunately, nobody thought to include any funny stuff.

Gary Winick, who directed the delightful Jennifer Garner comedy 13 Going on 30, and his merry band of screenwriters were clearly reduced to rummaging through old sitcoms for jokes as Emma and Liv try to sabotage each other's nuptials. The result involves such pithy commentary as ''Your wedding can suck it!'' and one far-from-riotous case of blue hair. Even Made of Honor didn't stoop this low.

The irony, of course, is that Hathaway's last film was the terrific Rachel Getting Married, in which she played a drug addict out of rehab for her sister's wedding. Hathaway is getting well-deserved Oscar buzz for her powerhouse performance, and it's a testament to how fine she is that she doesn't squander any good will by marrying herself to this disaster. She, at least, comes out of this mess with her dignity intact. But if anyone asks you if you want to see Bride Wars, remember the right answer: I don't.

Cast: Kate Hudson, Anne Hathaway, Candice Bergen.

Director: Gary Winick.

Screenwriters: Greg DePaul, Casey Wilson, June Diane Raphael.

Producers: Kate Hudson, Alan Riche, Peter Riche, Julie Yorn.

A 20th Century Fox release. Running time: 90 minutes. Suggestive content, language, some rude behavior.

The "bride wars" between Liv (Kate Hudson, left) and Emma (Anne Hathaway) come to a memorable conclusion at Liv's wedding in 20th Century Fox's "Bride Wars." Photo: Claire Folger/20th Century Fox/MCT.