Things I've learned about while watching baseball playoffs:
Erectile Dysfunction
It's rampant, apparently, among the baseball-watching demographic. I saw so many Little Blue Pill (apparently the "V" word is banned from this site) commercials I now know all the words to the theme song ("Viva V-word!"), which has been stuck in my head for going on five days. I also now know the difference between the LBP and Cee-alis (the former is taken on an "as needed" basis, the latter every day), that ED doesn't discriminate based on age or race and that sitting in two separate claw-foot bathtubs on a beach is good foreplay. Questions these commercials didn't answer for me, though: are men actually aroused when they take it, or does it just deal with the mechanics? If so, does that mean their lady friends don't ever have to invest in another pair of impractical underwear? Why would anyone want an erection for three hours? How did they get those bathtubs onto the beach?
He's Not Fat, He's Just a Home Run Hitter
Okay, you're a linebacker and therefore a human wall/demolition ball for a living - ergo, you hover somewhere around 300 pounds. Sumo wrestler? Gotcha. But baseball player? When I was in high school and college, all the girls wanted to date the baseball players - they weren't as "jockey" as the football players and not as freakishly disproportionate to you as basketball players. They were in shape, but never couldn't go to dinner because they had to "go lift" for four hours. But forget 'roids, pro baseball players have a bigger - pun intended - problem on their hands: lard. "It doesn't matter how fat they are if they can hit a homerun" isn't a good enough reason to be tubby. If you look like that guy on The King of Queens, you should not be able to be called an "athlete."
Facial Hair Travesties
I admit, the mustache thing the Yankees did was cute. Kitschy. But what's up with the random circular chin patch? It's not a "soul patch," which is tiny and located between the lip and chin, and it's definitely not a goatee. It looks like an unshaven female body part that I can't mention here without being vulgar. My theory is these overpaid athletes' girlfriends aren't telling them their chin looks like an unshaven female body part out of fear they'll be dumped and unable to afford their LV handbags anymore. It's the only possible explanation.
There's No Accessories in Baseball
Or shouldn't be, rather. Just as being a tub-o-lard should strip one of the "athlete" label, so should accessories. Simple gold chain that abulea gave you before you defected, fine. That's classy. Giant woven rope around your neck that looks like a Girl Scout arts and crafts project gone horribly wrong? Not so much. Josh Beckett, Asian Red Sox pitcher(s), I'm talking to you. Only surfers are allowed to wear rope around their necks - and even then there has to be a shark's tooth attached to it. And while we're discussing accessories, dress belts? Really? What kind of sports uniform requires a dress belt? Golfers wear dress belts (no offense, dad). Fishermen wear dress belts. But baseball players? What's wrong with good old elastic? Or at least something sporty made of nylon and plastic?
These are the topics I have brought up every night, much to my beaux's annoyance I'm sure, since the playoffs started, and that I will continue to bring up until this whole thing is over sometime in 2012. Go Sox!
-- miaeditor
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What you said
What about the new "boot cut" pants? Super-shlumpy. I much preferred the thigh-clinging leggings.
