Why wine is the greatest liquid ever

Bottoms up, peeps!

There are many liquids in our lives, some of them vital (coffee), others less so (egg nog).

But sorry, water. Wine is our favorite beverage, and here’s why.

Oh, and check out our unfussy wine column, Poppin’ Bottles.

1. Wine is better than soda.

Look at them bubbles. 

Because it can be fizzy but it doesn’t have to be. Because it can be sweet but doesn’t need to be. Because it involves sugar but will not cause your teeth to cry out in agony as they slowly rot. Because if you’re going to introduce sugar into your body, do it in style.

2. Wine is better than iced tea.

No, you’re not, Ice T. You aren’t wine! 

Iced tea is a pretty good beverage, we agree. Even the hot version can be calming before bedtime. But does iced tea pair nicely with an aged cheese? Can you braise short ribs in it? Does handing over a bottle of it bring smiles to the faces of your loved ones? No.

3. Wine is better than beer.

We hate you. 

We won’t argue that a cold beer isn’t refreshing on a hot Miami day. But there’s the bloating factor to contend with, plus these days craft beer snobs have outpaced wine snobs in their disdain for lesser liquids. Order a Corona Light, and you will be mocked. Order a crisp Sauv Blanc, and everyone will stare in envy.

4. Wine is better than milk.

Wait a minute…

Calcium is nice for your bones and all that. It’s useful for cereal and dunking Oreos. But you don’t have epic, intense, life-changing conversations or mack on inappropriate people after a couple of glasses of milk.

5. Wine is better than tequila.

Let’s make some bad life choices courtesy of tequila. 

Both liquids can cause poor decision making and next-morning regrets. But while wine may give you a headache if you overindulge, tequila ends with you in jail, married to a stripper or at least with a couple of ill advised tattoos in questionable places.