The haters’ guide to mango season

Why? Why does it have to be #MangoWeek? Why can't it be #PastelitoWeek?

It’s not the most wonderful time of the year. The annual avalanche of mangoes is upon us, and not all of us are on board with this state of affairs, despite the rising amount of pro-mango propaganda around here.

But we do want to offer hope to the oppressed. So we’ve decided to answer your most common mango questions in hopes of making this dreadful season a little easier to bear.

Why do so many people in Miami love mangoes?

The heat, humidity, traffic, rapidly rising rents, a determined and reproduction-focused python population, iguanas in the toilets, fake doctors, flooding and the constant threat of a death hurricane that will kill us all have driven at least 80 percent of Miami’s population stark raving mad. I mean, people are shooting peacocks out of the trees and twerking on moving vehicles. Is it any wonder they turn to mangoes?

Am I crazy to think mangoes are gross?

No. You are a discerning individual with good taste. There is a proud heritage of mango hating in South Florida, started by me last summer when people kept leaving the nasty things on my desk.

What should I do if a co-worker offers me mangoes?

This will happen to you frequently because Miami mango trees, like the rest of the city, are out of control. They produce way more fruit than any human could want or need. If you like the co-worker, smile, lie and say you’re allergic. If you don’t, glare at him and say, “Call me when the avocados are ripe.”

What if my next-door neighbor leaves a bag of mangoes at my front door when I’m not there?

This is a hostile act, and retaliation is required. You must take action. We suggest blasting a little Skrillex early in the morning or possibly moving to another state.

What if I’m at a restaurant, and Mango Key Lime Pie is on the dessert menu?

Run screaming from your table. That is an abomination. You are not required to pay the check, unless you are really slow.

What do I do if I see a Mango Margarita on the drink menu?

It’s crucial that you don’t panic. And remember, though tequila does kill germs, it can’t wipe out the taste of mango. Back away slowly and head directly to the nearest bar that serves real drinks. 

What’s the best way to cut up a mango?

Get a sharp knife. Slice the fruit diagonally. Then slice it crossways. Then throw that mess in the trash where it belongs. 

What if my neighbor’s mangoes are falling into my yard?

There is no need to panic. Just go over to his house and calmly ask him to cut back the branches. Be sure to bring a chainsaw as a visual aid in case he refuses.

What if my neighbor’s mangoes are falling into my pool?

Don’t even bother with the chainsaw. Just throw them at his car.

Is there ever a situation where it is OK to eat a mango?

In a post apocalyptic scenario, when most of the world is a smoking crater and life as we know it has pretty much ended and your dining choices are live cockroaches or rocks, eating a mango is perfectly acceptable. Still better than a corn dog.

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