What happens when you watch bad television? You get bad commercials. I can't remember what show was killing my brain cells when I saw the ad for high fructose corn syrup, but whatever it was, apparently I'm the demographic that's shunning this sweetener and causing all the bigwigs at the hfcs company to freak out. Well, whoever did their market analyses was actually on the ball, as I, after seeing a documentary called King Corn, totally shunned what I now consider the devil's sugar. Apparently a lot of other people made the same decision, forcing hfcs to come up with an actual advertising campaign that paints us non-hfcs-eating folks as complete idiots.
The commercial starts out with a nice, J.Crew-outfitted couple on a picnic blanket. The girl whips out a popsicle from the cooler... which leads me to my first gripe with this storyline. How did she keep a popsicle frozen in a lunchbox-size Igloo? So not realistic. But I'll try to suspend my disbelief and continue. So then, the guy asks something like, "Whoa! I thought you loved me?!" Geez, way to be over-dramatic. This guy is supposed to represent me, the hfcs shunner, but let me tell you, I would never accuse someone of unrequited love if they offered me some Lucky Charms. In fact, I would say, "pass the green clovers, lover."
Okay, moving right along. Guy tells girl hfsc is bad for all sorts of reasons, at which point girl gives him that wide-eyed "Oh really?" look that all girls are so good at, and asks him, "like what?" Of course, he's speechless, because who asks that? I'll tell you - only someone who knows stupid random facts and wants to show them off. That's who. It's like asking someone what's in crystal meth. No one really knows exactly what, but we know it's a bunch of bad stuff we don't want to put in our bodies. All proud of herself that she knows something her bf doesn't (and, I admit, that's a good feeling), she rattles off all the reasons why hfcs aren't bad: that it's made from corn (crappy, refined crap that even gives cows gross diseases), has as many calories as sugar or honey (but is still a freak show chemistry experiment you're putting into your body) and it's fine in moderation (just like drinking - but who can have just ONE green clover?).
With that, guy asks girl if she only brought one popsicle. Ahahaha. Down boy! Moderation, remember??? Seriously, though. This commercial didn't make me want to run to the vending machine and buy a Sunkist. It made me want to send it to this website. It also made me realize how annoying it is when someone asks you a question they know you don't have the answer to. So I'm not going to do that anymore. And it made me realize that the whole situation could have been avoided if she had brought alcohol instead of a popsicle. What are they? 8? Then again, had they been 8, there probably would've been A LOT of hfcs at that picnic, and neither party would have objected to eating it (Mountain Dew and Pop-Tarts? You must like like me!").
And the last thing it made me realize is that hfcs is for lame people. Perhaps if the couple was Seth Rogan and Juno, I'd go on a Wal-Mart feeding frenzy. But alas, all the hfcs folks could get were two of the most boring, generic white people they could find. Excuse me while I go buy a butt-load of agave nectar.
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