What happens when you watch bad television? You get bad commercials. I can't remember what show was killing my brain cells when I saw the ad for high fructose corn syrup, but whatever it was, apparently I'm the demographic that's shunning this sweetener and causing all the bigwigs at the hfcs company to freak out. Well, whoever did their market analyses was actually on the ball, as I, after seeing a documentary called King Corn, totally shunned what I now consider the devil's sugar. Apparently a lot of other people made the same decision, forcing hfcs to come up with an actual advertising campaign that paints us non-hfcs-eating folks as complete idiots.

The commercial starts out with a nice, J.Crew-outfitted couple on a picnic blanket. The girl whips out a popsicle from the cooler... which leads me to my first gripe with this storyline. How did she keep a popsicle frozen in a lunchbox-size Igloo? So not realistic. But I'll try to suspend my disbelief and continue. So then, the guy asks something like, "Whoa! I thought you loved me?!" Geez, way to be over-dramatic. This guy is supposed to represent me, the hfcs shunner, but let me tell you, I would never accuse someone of unrequited love if they offered me some Lucky Charms. In fact, I would say, "pass the green clovers, lover."

Okay, moving right along. Guy tells girl hfsc is bad for all sorts of reasons, at which point girl gives him that wide-eyed "Oh really?" look that all girls are so good at, and asks him, "like what?" Of course, he's speechless, because who asks that? I'll tell you - only someone who knows stupid random facts and wants to show them off. That's who. It's like asking someone what's in crystal meth. No one really knows exactly what, but we know it's a bunch of bad stuff we don't want to put in our bodies. All proud of herself that she knows something her bf doesn't (and, I admit, that's a good feeling), she rattles off all the reasons why hfcs aren't bad: that it's made from corn (crappy, refined crap that even gives cows gross diseases), has as many calories as sugar or honey (but is still a freak show chemistry experiment you're putting into your body) and it's fine in moderation (just like drinking - but who can have just ONE green clover?).

With that, guy asks girl if she only brought one popsicle. Ahahaha. Down boy! Moderation, remember??? Seriously, though. This commercial didn't make me want to run to the vending machine and buy a Sunkist. It made me want to send it to this website. It also made me realize how annoying it is when someone asks you a question they know you don't have the answer to. So I'm not going to do that anymore. And it made me realize that the whole situation could have been avoided if she had brought alcohol instead of a popsicle. What are they? 8? Then again, had they been 8, there probably would've been A LOT of hfcs at that picnic, and neither party would have objected to eating it (Mountain Dew and Pop-Tarts? You must like like me!").

And the last thing it made me realize is that hfcs is for lame people. Perhaps if the couple was Seth Rogan and Juno, I'd go on a Wal-Mart feeding frenzy. But alas, all the hfcs folks could get were two of the most boring, generic white people they could find. Excuse me while I go buy a butt-load of agave nectar.

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What you said

Idiotic commercial indeed. First it insults much of it's target audience, then it acts as if sugar is good for you! Sadly there's a series of these out. Fortunately most people have access to the internet. This is good enough reason for me to avoid it: High-fructose corn syrup is a sweetener and preservative used in many processed foods. It is made by changing the sugar in cornstarch to fructose — another form of sugar. High-fructose corn syrup extends the shelf life of foods and is sweeter and cheaper than sugar. For these reasons, it has become a popular ingredient in many sodas, fruit-flavored drinks and other processed foods. Check your food labels. You may be surprised by how many foods contain high-fructose corn syrup. Some nutrition experts blame increased consumption of high-fructose corn syrup for the growing obesity problem. One theory is that fructose is more readily converted to fat by your liver than is sucrose, increasing the levels of fat in your bloodstream. But this hasn't been proved. In addition, animal studies have shown a link between increased consumption of high-fructose corn syrup and adverse health effects, such as diabetes and high cholesterol. However, the evidence is not as clear in human studies. Despite the lack of clarity in research, the fact remains that Americans consume large quantities of high-fructose corn syrup in the form of soft drinks, fruit-flavored beverages and other processed foods. These types of foods are often high in calories and low in nutritional value. This fact alone is reason to be cautious about foods containing high-fructose corn syrup. To reduce high-fructose corn syrup in your diet, read food labels. Avoid or limit foods that contain high-fructose corn syrup.... Read more
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