Hammers, Cookies & Rose, Vol. 3

 

A satirical look at what's happening in Miami (because you can't look at porn at work). This week – our lineup for Sunday’s bed races.

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Bed racing...what could be more fun?
 

By Hammers, Cookies & Rose

The Great Grove Bed Race makes its triumphant return to Coconut Grove this Sunday after a six-year absence. Helio Castroneves will serve as the event’s Grand Marshall. Coincidentally, the $50 registration fee was only payable in cash (preferably unmarked bills that would be placed into an offshore bank account).

Who’s racing? Who knows? But we have created our own roster of people we would love to see pushed down the middle of a city street in a bed with no brakes.

 

Romero Britto: Aside from his seizure-inducing artwork hidden throughout Miami, he is now another in a long list of celebs who blow double the legal alcohol limit (while driving a Bentley, no less) and get off with community service.  Grease up those wheels.

Pitbull: Though we are proud of him for wearing a suit on Conan O’Brien, he still assumes that the entire country doesn’t know how to translate “tu tiene la boca grande.”  He should be pushed by his half naked dancers in their heels.

Kourtney Kardashian: The Kardashian girls know their way around a bed. Rules don’t prohibit riding on all fours, so we are sure she can hang on during hairpin turns. But a spill might harm that pesky little bugger growing in her stomach. Besides, no one likes a pregnant girl in the club.

Dan Uggla/Hanley Ramirez: We’re going to bend the rules a bit here and let these feuding Marlins teammates ride tandem. Whichever one remains on the bed when it crosses the finish line gets $70 million. Remember Hanley, "If you really wanted to win, you wouldn’t have fallen out of the bed.” Make sure a microphone is around, too.

 

Note: The views expressed by Hammers, Cookies & Rose are not reflective of Miami.com management (nor most people, for that matter).

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