Hammers, Cookies & Rose
A satirical look at what's happening in Miami (because you can't look at porn at work)
By Hammers, Cookies & Rose
Note to the Big 105.9 marketing department: In light of the recent arrest of its Paul & Young Ron Show producer for alleged kid-diddling, you might want to change up those all-too prophetic "Moe Lester" nametag billboards you have all around town. Or hey, just totally embrace the pervy slant - for giveaways, the 105th caller could win five minutes in the prize closet with Barney (bring your own Mr. Bubble).
The station is looking to fill the position of the fired fondler as soon as possible. See if you meet the criteria:
Title: Executive Producer, Big 105.9 Paul & Young Ron Morning Show (full-time, partly-clothed)
Basic duties and responsibilities: Passion for creative and topical morning radio, an extraordinary sense of humor and a love for classic rock, including Winger, Cinderella and Warrant (Hopefully not of the arrest variety). Keep your Big 105 in the Morning to yourself and 1,000 feet away from elementary schools and birthday parties at Baskin Robbins.
Minimum requirements: 1. ABSOLUTELY NO PEDOPHILES. 2. Just to double-check, see rule number one. 3. Home address must not be a PO Box, an exit off Julia Tuttle Causeway or appear on Meganslaw.org . 4. List of celebrity contacts should not include Dateline's Chris Hanson. 5. Must be hip to what's cool with the kids -- wait, please reread number 1.
Possible interview questions: Who's sexier -- Nick Jonas or Megan Fox? Have you ever been a member of NAMBLA? Are you friends with Bill Kamal?
Education or training required: High-school diploma or equivalent.
Resumes must be received by: First day of school.
If you really want the job, it's actually still available (click here). We're guessing that they are going to vet their candidates a bit better in the future.
You can win a prize! Be the 17th (we like everything under 18) person to be a non-porno spammer to follow us on Twitter at our lame name @hammersncookies and you can win something from an actual office at Miami.com. And even if you don't want to win a prize, follow us on Twitter anyway. We promise to have something you can woof at every day.
Note: The views expressed by Hammers, Cookies & Rose are not reflective of Miami.com management (nor most people, for that matter).