1. You’ve celebrated a major event by ruining your pots and pans (Heat Championships, Fidel Castro “dying,” those two times the Marlins won the World Series, etc.)
And you know that the BEST spot to party is in front of La Carreta on Bird Road.
2. You rep The U so damn hard but you probably didn’t even go there.
3. You spent most of your childhood perfecting your skating skills at Hot Wheels.
You would later go there for all ages parties when you were 15 to perfect your sucia skills.
4. You have five or more of these bad boys chilling in your house.
5. You know somebody who knows somebody who knows Pitbull.
6. You’ve been to the “insane asylum” on Krome.
7. You LITERALLY felt your heart break when D. Wade took his talents to Chicago.
Your ugly crying was really real.
8. You’ve bought mamoncillos, churros, water, soda, Gatorade, flowers or limes from a street vendor.
9. You’ve tasted the sweet sweet nectar of Iron Beer, Jupiña and Materva.
10. You never take out of town friends to party in the Grove because it’s deader than dead.
11. You’ve felt such intense road rage that acting on it and going to jail wouldn’t even phase you.
Our drivers don’t believe in turning signals, having insurance or basic human decency.
12. You’ve gotten lost in the maze that is Hialeah.
And questioned every life choice you’ve made up until that point.
13. You’ve experienced a seething hatred for the rocks that double as street signs in Coral Gables.
Seriously, all of the streets are NAMES and then you put them on a rock… ON THE GROUND?!
14. “Bro” and “dale” are part of your daily vocabulary (even if you don’t want them to be).
Your ability to speak proper English is dwindling as a result.
15. You have a mango or avocado tree in your backyard. Or you know someone that does.
16. You’ve gone to both Santa’s Enchanted Forest and The Youth Fair (and have memorized the theme songs for each).
Games, shows, food, nativities!
17. Back in the day, you attended a birthday party at Don Carter’s (RIP) or Bird Bowl.
18. You’ve spent at least one Saturday night watching Sabado Gigante.
You are still terrified of El Chacal and think Don Francisco is immortal.
19. Seeing this still makes you break out in hives:
20. You’ve indulged in some tiki tiki music and made bad life choices here:
21. You either love reggaeton or pretend that you hate it.
22. You won’t admit it, but you’ve shopped at Ñooo! Que Barato or Valsan.
23. You have a mild panic attack when another football team comes close to a perfect season because you don’t want the glory taken away from the ‘72 Dolphins.
24. You know better than to set foot on South Beach during Memorial Day Weekend.
25. You’re fiercely loyal to the neighborhood you grew up in.
One time for Westchester!
26. You’ve at one point or another said, “I live where you vacation.”
Even though you go to the beach like twice a year.
27. Friday happy hour at Tarpon Bend is your gift and your curse.
28. Despite the face-eating zombies, bandwagon fans and chongas, you love calling Miami home.