Wynwood is getting its own scooters. Here’s why that’s a terrible idea.

We don't know about you, but we are already annoyed by how much fun these people appear to be having.

Wynwood, sometimes you make us so mad.

We love the murals. But your traffic can be terrible. Parking is often non-existent. We brave heat stroke walking the pavement during the summer, and we contend with unruly packs of bros roaming the streets in search of craft beer every weekend. And real talk, Wynwood: Sometimes you don’t smell so great.

Construction continues to be a nightmare – just ask the late Dizengoff and Federal Donuts (RIP). And we all know in our hearts this little patch of graffiti heaven is less than 10 years away from being about as lit as Miracle Mile.

And now we have LimeBike to contend with.

LimeBike, according to this story in the Miami Herald, is a ride-sharing system that’s moved to town to take on Citi Bike. Instead of just renting bikes, though, LimeBike is pushing electric scooters, which the Herald reports have started showing up this week.

“We see this scooter roll out as an excellent opportunity to improve Wynwood by enhancing mobility to local businesses and reducing car traffic, making the shopping district a safer, more environmentally friendly place,” said Gauthier Derrien, LimeBike Regional General Manager in a statement, according to the Herald.

Really? Funny, we think this is a dumb idea. And not just because scooters are intrinsically annoying.

Here’s why this is not going to work:

People in Miami are inconsiderate slobs

Even if they’re just visiting, people in Miami are infused with a very special attitude that prevents them from caring how they impact the world. They are going to rush to get in line at Wood Tavern and dump their scooters all over the sidewalks for us to trip over. “LimeBike has pledged to collect any scooters obstructing sidewalks and public rights of way during operating hours,” the Herald reports. Better hire a team of thousands for the weekend.

Scooters and pedestrians don’t mix

There’s only so much room on the sidewalk. It will be a pedestrian vs. scooter free for all. There will be blood.

Miami drivers will run over idiots on scooters

Seriously, drivers don’t even stop for pedestrians or bikers here. You think they’re going to share space calmly with scooters? We’re famous for motorists launching sledgehammer attacks. This won’t end well.

People are going to steal them

Even if they can’t use them, Miami’s criminal masterminds are going to repo these scooters.  Every Miami bro has this cousin who can fix it so the company can’t track the scooters and then they sell them to this guy who can get them on a boat. None of that will work, but I dare LimeBike to try to collect these scooters from some dude’s house in Hialeah.

Are we really this lazy?

Wynwood is like four blocks long. How about you just walk?

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