2016 was a hideous year. So bad some of us thought the Mayans had it all wrong and this was the year that the world would end. Luckily Stephen Hawking says otherwise.
But 2016, oof.
We lost icons from David Bowie and Leonard Cohen to Gwen Ifill, Gene Wilder, Abe Vigoda and democracy. And, because Florida, 2016 in Miami and its environs were no picnic either. The year in Miami was like the aftermath of a night of bad sushi and booze, only in this case, the food poisoning and hangover pretty much lasted the entire year. Let’s hope 2017 is the antithesis, a gorge-fest of fabulousness, health, happiness and, because Florida, hilarity. In the meantime, we present you with 2016’s Miami low-lights in no particular order because, frankly, they all sucked.
If you want to talk about draining the actual swamp versus the proverbial one, look no further than the blue green sludge that washed up in waterways and on peoples’ yards over the summer. Although the gross swamp guac didn’t hit Miami, it infested the Treasure Coast. Why? Sort of the Everglades’ revenge from cutting it off from Lake Okeechobee, the origin of the toxic algae and, according to experts, “the perfect algae nursery.”
A Fecal Matter
Some would say toxic algae would have been much better than the sh– found floating around the waters off South Beach and Crandon Park in mid-September. Feces, doody, poop, sh…it was a crappy situation.
Mosquitoes not practicing safe sucks really screwed things up for the city. Whether it was “Ground Zero” in Wynwood, or Miami Beach, the pesky bugs causing tragic results in babies and we’re not that sure what else in adults, had hot spots hearing crickets and losing business by the bite. What bit more, according to some, was the toxic spraying of repellent that may or may not have done a damn thing.
RIP Charlie Cinnamon
The last great “press agent,” Miami’s master of media relations, Charlie Cinnamon went off to that big show in the sky, taking with him a treasure trove of memories, magnificence and secrets about everyone he never, ever revealed. Curtain may have closed on Charlie in the here and now, but we can only hope his class, charm and kindness rubbed off on everyone he encountered. And that’s a lot of people in his almost 95 years on this planet.
Swing State Traffic
It seemed like a certain flaxen-haired combover victim who midnight tweets at random was in and out of Miami every other weekend on the campaign trail, causing traffic in all directions. Add to that Hillary and Barack making frequent trips to the 305 to whip up the blue tip of the state and what we had in Miami pre-November 8 was a traffic nightmare that even Waze couldn’t help you avoid.
Our hearts are still aching over the sudden and tragic death of the Miami Marlins’ rising star. No jokes. Just tears.
Worst City in America
The website 24/7 Wall St. named Miami the number one worst city to live in in all these United States and it had nothing to do with doody in the water. What killed us? Cost of living. It always does.
Here’s hoping 2017 is a better year.