Heroes live among us. And by “heroes,” we don’t mean heroes, exactly. We mean something a lot less benevolent and a lot more Miami.
A flock of these avenging angels descended on the corner of Northeast 36th Street and Biscayne Boulevard on Sunday, when a hit-and-run driver caused a crash and tried to flee (because Miami).
One gentleman, referred to as a “good Samaritan” by the Miami Herald, even leaped out of his van with a sledgehammer and began beating the driver’s car in an effort to halt the escape. We think of him more of a Somewhat Terrifying Samaritan, but clearly he was only trying to help.
The hit-and-run suspect was identified as 25-year-old Maxwell Lagutenko of Aventura, who has been ticketed 29 times in 10 years. Watch the video, and you will not be surprised by this fact.
Anyway. We have studied this video for far longer than our editors feel is appropriate. And we have uncovered every good Miami deed that was accomplished – or at least considered. Here’s our breakdown:
Somehow, Lagutenko’s car ended up facing the wrong way on Biscayne Boulevard, its bumper gone but its driver fully capable of making poor decisions. He backs up and tries to drive away but is stopped by…
…this brave and angry guy. He was clearly in one of the cars that was hit and is mad enough to disregard Miami Rule No. 1 (Never Confront Someone Over a Stupid Driving Incident – No, Seriously. Just Don’t.) He shouted “No te muevas!” (Don’t move!”). The driver ignored him. And yet he persisted.
Enter this gray SUV. This driver considered being a hero. Wanted to help. Stopped and assessed the situation. Then realized that he did not want his nice SUV jacked up by the lunatic whose bumper was dragging on the ground. So he took the path of least resistance and backed off. Call him the Lando Calrissian of the bunch. Listen, it’s the thought that counts.
So the driver finally makes his right onto 36th – only to find this car blocking him. HERO! But wait. This driver can’t even see what’s happening. He’s just making a random U turn in the worst possible place, which is something Miami drivers love to do. Right place, right time, wrong reason.
FORESHADOWING! Please note the white van. We’ll get back to that later.
Another hero rises! She’s getting that license tag.
And then it happens. The Avengers converge. The van door opens. The pounding begins.
The pounding continues. The driver creeps forward. And in the upper right hand corner, the guy in the the red truck opens his door and assesses the situation.
Sledgehammer Man is still going at it. Does he always drive around with a sledgehammer in his van? Did he just take it with him today, thinking: I might need this? Everybody’s watching. But the driver gets away.
And then another hero emerges! Red truck guy thinks “Oh hell naw” and pulls a shockingly fast u turn in tight quarters. Miami driving has its advantages.