The monster mall nobody wants is coming to Miami. Here’s how to make us go.

Let us be clear: We are so very thrilled that the colossal American Dream Miami retail theme park is coming to northwest Miami-Dade!

This is such exciting news, especially the part about the indoor ski slope. Because who in Hialeah isn’t clamoring to learn to ski on fake snow at a high price? No one, that’s who. And if anything can cement South Florida’s legacy as the excruciating, torturous hellscape of traffic congestion, this mall is it.

We understand there is also going to be a submarine lake in this mall. Which is awesome because we’ve always wanted to live near a Disney World ride that nobody ever rode and got shut down in 1994.

But we think this $4 billion project needs some special touches to make it more Miami. Incorporate these ideas, developers, and locals may even stop complaining that you have ruined their lives and property values and environment forever.

Read more: Nation’s largest mall wins Miami-Dade approval

Here’s what we need:

Pitbull in residence

pitbull

We’re talking a Las Vegas-style, year-round type show from Miami’s favorite performer.

A Costco that only sells croquetas

Even the cod croquetas. The tourists won’t know nobody eats those.

The world’s largest Vicky Bakery

No more Cinnabons, OK? Everyone should experience the joy of Cuban pastries.

A recreation of Wynwood

Who wants to battle for parking on the hot, mean streets of Northwest Second Avenue? Just build a mini indoor Wynwood at the mall minus the smell of garbage and pee and sweltering heat. Get Britto to paint some murals! It will be just like the real thing.

A fake beach

Carl Juste
Carl Juste

Who needs the ocean or the sun to feel like they’re in Florida? Just truck in a bunch of sand and throw some beer cans and used condoms around, turn on the heat lamps and call it good.

We want Burdines back

Enough with the Pandoras and Forever 21s and Hot Topics and the same old stores you see in every mall. Throw a bone to the locals.

Ban Starbucks; build ventanitas

Say no to frappuccinos and yes to cortadito.

Open an outpost of Nooo Que Barato

Donna E. Natale Planas

All the Anglos scared to go to Hialeah can find bargains in true Midwestern mall splendor.

Engineer a portal to jump through the space-time continuum so everybody who hates the very idea of this place never has to go near it

This will be super easy.

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