Ten lies we like to tell about Tom Brady – just in time for the Super Bowl

As the Super Bowl looms, here in Miami we are feverishly trying to say every bad thing we can think of about Tom Brady. Because we don’t like him. And we don’t want the New England Patriots to win another Super Bowl.

Yes. We are sad, embittered Dolphins fans. We know this. As Fins fans, we feel the shame of 6-10. We long for two playoff games in a row and tear up at the mere mention of Dan Marino.

But we’re not alone. Every NFL fan in the civilized world except that frozen kingdom to the north wants the Philadelphia Eagles to beat the Patriots. No one can bear the thought of this dynasty continuing.

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Yet it might. Oh God. So to make ourselves feel better at this troubled time, we will tell our favorite lies about Tom Brady, and we will feel better. At least until Super Bowl Sunday.

He heats up fish in the microwave at work

Probably eats tuna salad sandwiches, too.

In the practice lot, he takes up two parking spaces

Even Gronk gets mad about this.

He hosts dinner parties for all the NFL referees

Don’t believe us? Ask the Pittsburgh Steelers.

He does the Uggs endorsement for free because he really likes to wear them

The only footwear he likes better are Crocs.

His favorite song is “We Built This City”

And he has attended more than one Nickelback concert.

He prefers the “Sex and the City” movies to the TV series

Thinks of himself as a Charlotte, too.

He eats Costco churros

Refuses to dip them in melted chocolate.

Favorite candy? Black licorice

Won’t touch a KitKat.

His favorite “Game of Thrones” character is Bran Stark

Also he cried when Joffrey died.

He’s not the best quarterback in the NFL

Damn it.

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