As the Super Bowl looms, here in Miami we are feverishly trying to say every bad thing we can think of about Tom Brady. Because we don’t like him. And we don’t want the New England Patriots to win another Super Bowl.
Yes. We are sad, embittered Dolphins fans. We know this. As Fins fans, we feel the shame of 6-10. We long for two playoff games in a row and tear up at the mere mention of Dan Marino.
But we’re not alone. Every NFL fan in the civilized world except that frozen kingdom to the north wants the Philadelphia Eagles to beat the Patriots. No one can bear the thought of this dynasty continuing.
Yet it might. Oh God. So to make ourselves feel better at this troubled time, we will tell our favorite lies about Tom Brady, and we will feel better. At least until Super Bowl Sunday.
He heats up fish in the microwave at work
Probably eats tuna salad sandwiches, too.
In the practice lot, he takes up two parking spaces
Even Gronk gets mad about this.
He hosts dinner parties for all the NFL referees
Don’t believe us? Ask the Pittsburgh Steelers.
He does the Uggs endorsement for free because he really likes to wear them
The only footwear he likes better are Crocs.
His favorite song is “We Built This City”
And he has attended more than one Nickelback concert.
He prefers the “Sex and the City” movies to the TV series
Thinks of himself as a Charlotte, too.
He eats Costco churros
Refuses to dip them in melted chocolate.
Favorite candy? Black licorice
Won’t touch a KitKat.
His favorite “Game of Thrones” character is Bran Stark
Also he cried when Joffrey died.
He’s not the best quarterback in the NFL