Tax Day – April 17 this year – is swiftly approaching, and you know what that means: Time to decide how to spend your tax refund in the most Miami way possible.
Sure, some people envision their tax refund as a way to pay off an outstanding bill or buy something necessary and practical, like a new refrigerator that actually keeps food cold or an iPhone without a cracked screen.
Not in Miami, though. Here, we live in the moment, and we know this is free money. So we intend to have some fun.
Here are the most Miami ways to spend your tax refund.
Put a down payment on a car you can’t afford
No, you can’t make the monthly payments, but you’ll turn heads for a month.
Try some plastic surgery
There are options for every price point. Maybe just a little Botox between the eyes? What about a chemical peel? Nah, think bigger, especially when it comes to your butt. You can boost that thing affordably in some dude’s garage in Hialeah. Or try cool sculpting. We don’t know what that is, exactly. But we imagine it involves hypothermia and then they cut off the dead parts. Fewer limbs, fewer pounds.
Invest in VIP bottle service
Tables at LIV start at $1,500 and rise accordingly. Be a hero.
Eat the most expensive steak at Salt Bae’s restaurant
You won’t see the salt-sprinkling Instagram star at Nusr-Et Steakhouse in Brickell, but you will have the honor of paying $275 for a steak.
Start looking at Brickell condos
So what if you need five roommates to pay the rent? You’ll be able to call yourself a Brickellista and make fun of your friends back in Kendall.
Go shopping in the Design District
You know you need that Hublot watch. And Gucci is famous for its affordable wares. What are you waiting for?
Book a weekend at a 5 Diamond hotel
We’re thinking Acqualina Spa & Resort in Sunny Isles Beach, rated a Five Diamond resort by AAA. You can luxuriate and pretend you don’t live in Hialeah.
Rent a boat
Get this: You don’t even need a license to rent a boat in Florida. You just need to pass an online boating safety course to rent a boat. This means you can hit the water without ever having been behind the wheel of a large, powerful water-based vehicle.
Don’t even think about paying off your credit card
Seriously, don’t worry. The minimum payment is all you need to pay. So what if your interest payment is bigger than the Marlins’ collective salary? You can worry about it when you’re old and living on Meow Mix.