Surviving this Year’s Dolphins Season – A Step by Step Guide

Enjoy it while it lasts, Dolfans...It never does. PHOTO: Charles Trainor

Sometimes it’s tough to cheer for the Miami Dolphins. We hold onto the undefeated season in ‘72. We still worship at the altar of Dan Marino. We eat at Shula’s Steakhouse just to feel alive. We wish we had our very own Ray Finkle to blame our failures on (the laces were most certainly NOT in). Unfortunately, we can’t just pray away the stench of what is undoubtedly a hot mess of a season. What we CAN do is follow the steps below to aide us in our time of need.


1. LET. IT. GO.

First and foremost, just succumb to the fact that your team is the actual and literal worst. Go ahead and set your expectations lower than low. It will make it easier to not hate Tannehill with the fire of a thousand suns.


2. Take up a new Sunday afternoon hobby

We hear archery is lovely this time of year. Kayaking is always a delight. Maybe some seasonal pumpkin carving? If all else fails, just make alcohol your new favorite hobby.


3. Upgrade your wardrobe

Who looks good in orange and teal? Pshhh, no one. Let’s get some sensible neutral colors all up in your closet.


4. Follow a new sport.

Basketball season is now upon us. The World Series is about to be POPPIN’. Our advice? Pick a good team so you know what winning feels like again. 


5. Jump on that Panthers bandwagon

They’re doing pretty well. You loved “D2: Mighty Ducks” as a kid. Why the hell wouldn’t you hop on that bandwagon and ride it ‘til the wheels fall off?


6. Shut it

Stop flooding social media with how butthurt you are about the Dolphins’ mediocre performance week after week. The more you talk about something, the more it will happen. It’s science. Okay, I lied. It’s The Secret. But, whatever, just quit killin’ my Sunday Funday vibe.


7. Start pointing fingers


The stadium is built on an ancient burial ground. The absurd amount of times the stadium has been renamed has caused us to lose our identity. Tom Brady has deflated our balls, metaphorically and otherwise. Just pick any random conspiracy theory and run with it.


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