Miami resolutions for the New Year that will help you be less Miami

Everybody makes resolutions for the New Year, even if they usually don’t work out. But Miami resolutions are different.

The list of positive behaviors we should embrace is long and exhausting,  so let’s concentrate on a few Miami resolutions for 2018 that could improve our lives in simple ways. We vow to follow them. OK, some of them. Maybe.

Don’t overspend on a Brazilian butt lift

If you want to get this, you’re going to have to pay for it. Just make sure you can eat when it’s done.

If you absolutely need to have work done on your booty, make sure you have paid the rent and have enough for necessities, like gas, groceries, your Internet service bill and a few random happy hours and/or Taco Tuesdays.

Don’t underspend on a Brazilian butt lift

There is no world in which this is OK.

If you’re determined to do this – even though this is not a very good idea – find a medical care professional. Don’t go with the cut rate version that’s performed in some guy’s Hialeah garage.

Don’t be that driver who will wait 20 minutes and hold up parking lot traffic just for a closer space

WHY CAN’T YOU JUST PARK?

It is not going to kill you to walk. We know you ate your weight in croquetas over the holidays.

Stop being that driver who refuses to wait in the long line to exit the highway and instead sneaks ahead and cuts in front of everybody else

We’re all stuck in traffic, jerk. Wait your turn.

I personally have no intention of doing this, but the rest of you should add it to your Miami resolutions list if you want good karma.

Cut back on the coffee consumption

You can have my cortadito when you pry it from my cold, dead hand.

This one is also a long shot. Miami loves its cafecito. But we are a stressed-out people here and could use a little more calm in our daily lives.

Stop believing the Miami Marlins will make you happy.

Say hello to your new mean stepdad, Miami.Clark Spencer

The dysfunctional relationship between baseball fans and Miami has reached a new low. It’s time to let go.

Buy hurricane supplies at the beginning of June

Don’t complain to me when you’re running into BJ’s all last minute like somehow hurricane season doesn’t come every year.

I know, I know. This requires more planning than Miami is generally capable of. But remember standing in line at Publix last fall only to find all the water and canned goods gone? Remember how Amazon didn’t deliver those batteries you needed before Hurricane Irma? Save yourself a little grief. Though you probably won’t.

Stop being late all the time

miami time
You know what these are, Miami?

It’s in our DNA to run on Miami time. We’ll at least try to get to your dinner party on time, but we can’t promise anything.

Stop posting so many photos of Florida’s perfect weather on social media

This is Miami Beach in winter.

See? Now cousins you haven’t seen since eighth grade want to come visit you for a month. No, they don’t have jobs. Why do you ask? We know it’s good for the economy, but posting such photos only leads to the arrival of tourists who can’t drive and clog up all the restaurants as well as friends and family who won’t leave in a timely fashion.

Stop complaining about parking and driving and use Uber or Lyft more

We don’t care which app you use. Just get your dumb car off the road, please.

Accept that traffic is always going to be a Dante-esque nightmare and make adjustments accordingly.

Spend more time in Kendall

The dream of the ’80s is alive in Kendall.Alex Kolyer/Miami Herald Archives

Ha ha ha! Just kidding. Nobody wants to do that.

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