25 ways to drive like an idiot in Miami

You can bet that at least three of these drivers was reaching for their hazard light buttons.

Here at Miami.com we in no way have any authority to tell you how to drive like a safe, law-abiding citizen. For that, we suggest you peruse through the state driver’s handbook. (No, seriously. Please read it >>> http://bit.ly/2iizi8p). 

We can, however, provide you with a step-by-step guide on how to be a complete idiot on these South Florida roads. We’ve seen it all.

Follow this guide at your own risk, or if you want your days behind the wheel to come to an end. Chances are you probably beat us to the punch.

1. Honk your horn in anticipation of the green light.

Just to make sure the loser three cars in front of you is paying attention. Ain’t nobody got time to miss this left turn.

2. Treat the yellow light as a challenge. Every. Time.

Westbound motorists breeze through a South Florida intersection as the traffic light changes from yellow to red.

3. When you don't make the yellow, come to a screeching halt then put your car in reverse.

Red light cameras are not of God. Ever checked your ticket online and just been like “damn?” HARRY LYNCH/EL NUEVO HERALD

Pray there wasn’t a red light camera.

4. Approach all traffic circles with great confusion.

A Miami traffic circle that no one knows how to use. ALEXIA FODERE/ FOR THE MIAMI HERALD

Never ever yield. When the car that was already navigating the roundabout honks at you, curse them out.

5. Drive at least 15 mph over the speed limit on the highway...

Miami drivers don’t need the speed limits increased because their brains are wired to ignore them. (AP Photo/Mark Foley)

70 mph = 85+

6. ...unless you're in the left lane (or when the driver behind you is clearly in a rush). Drive 45 instead.

Some Miami drivers can’t drive the speed limit in the fast lane. MARSHA HALPER/HERALD STAFF

7. Plow through those flimsy Express Lane markers on I-95.

Express Lanes Entrance sign on the Northbound I-95 Express lanes between I-195 and NW 61st Street.

It’s your prerogative.

8. When an exit lane is backed up, drive in the next lane then cut someone off just before the off ramp.

Commuters scramble to exit on NW 107th northbound if thay passed up on the new traffic splits as of Monday March 23, 2015 with new split of the 836 Westbound lanes and the ramps to the 826 Palmetto, West Flagler Street and 87th ave exits.

9. Refuse to use that pesky turning signal.

Literally none of these drivers are using their turn signals. Not even the the cop. VanBeekum/Miami Herald Staff

That clicking noise it makes is so aggravating. Oh, you’ve never heard it, huh?

The preferred methods for properly switching lanes in Miami

  1. Cut a mofo off.
  2. When traffic is at a standstill, get the attention of the driver in the next lane over, then point at the space ahead of them.
  3. Edge uncomfortably close to the next car, essentially forcing them out of the lane.
  4. Cut a mofo off.

10. Ignore the school zone unless the cops or a crossing guard are present.

Look all those Miami kids who will grow up to be a-hole Miami drivers.

Don’t notice any of the fluorescent yellow signs and don’t acknowledge that there’s a school nearby. Also, honk at people who do slow down even when they’re obeying the law.

11. Never let a car stuck behind a city bus into traffic.

That driver in the car at the light is trying to figure out the quickest way to get from behind that bus.

Sucks to be them.

12. Never rent moving trucks. Just pile your mattresses atop your car.

“U-Haul, schmoohaul, Joe.”

13. Make a right turn from the middle lane.

When the light turns green, a driver in the middle lanes will attempt a right turn.

14. Cut past a person who is taking too long to make a left on yellow.

Think too hard and a Miami driver will cut you off.

15. Never stop at a red light to make a right turn.

This dude is putting his life in danger.

Attempt to turn even as incoming traffic inches closer.

16. Treat all stop signs as mere suggestions.

Stop signs can’t hold back Miami drivers. J. Albert Diaz/ Miami Herald Staff

17. Check the weather forecast for rain just to know if you'll need to use your flashers that day.

You can bet that at least three of these drivers were reaching for their hazard light buttons.

Turn them on in the rain is really coming down hard then switch lanes suddenly. Pandemonio!

18. When your car stalls in the middle of traffic, don't use your hazard lights.

Cars, buses, and other vehicles at a stand still on I-95 because it was 5:30 p.m. on a Monday.

Do use your flashers when your morning cafecito spills into your lap.

19. Stop abruptly to switch lanes.

You can almost imagine the chorus of expletives if a driver stopped in this traffic.

20. Use the center left turn lane as a passing (or a regular) lane.

The same applies for merging lanes. They are actually PASSING lanes.

21. Drive with fake insurance. Carry a load of cash just in case.

Your uncle carries a wad of cash so he can pay off drivers in a wreck.

22. Play Four Corners with your registration stickers.

As seen in parking lots all across Miami. Noel Gonzalez/Miami Herald

Extra points when you put it on the Florida orange.

23. Get a ticket. Arrive in court to fight it.

Ugh.

Weigh the likelihood that the cop won’t show in court and when he does, deny any wrongdoing.

24. Lose your license. Drive anyway.

She’s smiling, but all Miami drivers hate trips to the DMV.

25. Never refer to the Florida Driver's Handbook.

The handbook is for driver’s ed rookies. (AP Photo/Wilfredo Lee)

Be a leader. Not a follower.

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