Mattel’s new line of Ken dolls are ALL from Miami

Fashionista Ken. Courtesy of Mattel via AP

Barbie got all the cool stuff: New clothes, a ton of different jobs, a dream house, cars. Ken, though, he was just a generic dude with a bad haircut and no personality (or genitalia).

He still doesn’t have the latter, but at least now Mattel has dropped a new line of Ken dolls that introduce a little bit of diversity to the collection. 

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While Urban Daddy has unearthed the true identities of all of these Kens, Miami.com is confident that each one of these dolls is actually inspired by all the bros you ever met in Miami.

Here is our case: 

Mixologist Ken

(Courtesy of Mattel via AP)

Mattel name: Distressed Denim Ken

Mixologist Ken works at The Anderson or the Broken Shaker or some place that sells elaborate drinks that involve at least six ingredients. If not, he is angrily mixing margaritas at some tourist trap dreaming of winning a cocktail competition with his homemade simple syrup and imported Bitters. 

Cabana Boy Ken

(Courtesy of Mattel via AP)

Mattel name: Super Stripes Ken

Cabana Boy Ken works at the Mondrian keeping cheapskates off the reserved lounge chairs and slapping sunscreen on the backs of hot tourists. 

Weekend Drag Queen Ken

(Courtesy of Mattel via AP)

Mattel name: Tropical Vibes Ken

Peep his eyebrow game and the thick eyeliner. This Ken’s stage name is La Lola Linda because “Queef Latina” was already taken. 

 

New World Ken

(Courtesy of Mattel via AP)

Mattel name: Classic Cool Ken

He auditioned for almost every role in “Moonlight” but didn’t make the cut. But don’t worry. This kid is going to do big things, and he will always thank Miami if he blows up. 

Spring Break Ken

Mattel name: Hyped on Stripes Ken

You will catch him walking down Ocean Drive with a giant Wet Willies cup, sipping on a Call A Cab and fist pumping for no reason. 

Start Up Ken

(Courtesy of Mattel via AP)

Mattel name: Chill in Check Ken

With the glasses, the nicely combed hair and that neat plaid shirt, this can’t be anyone but Start Up Ken. He hangs out at all the co-working spaces and knows everyone in every tech incubator in town. He is working on a dating app that connects people in co-working spaces with people in tech incubators. 

Wynwood Ken

(Courtesy of Mattel via AP)

Mattel name: Hip Hoodie Ken

A sleeveless hoodie is his preferred uniform. He has been commissioned to paint his trademarked designs resembling a woman’s behind on several of the buildings in Miami’s artsiest ‘hood. His tag name is Dirt Nap, which has a really deep origin story. You should ask him about it. 

Brickell Ken

(Courtesy of Mattel via AP)

Mattel name: Color Block Cool Ken

Brickell Ken lives in a high rise, and his family has tons of money from their businesses in South America.  He works at a bank, and his girlfriend is way hotter than Barbie. 

Belen Ken

(Courtesy of Mattel via AP)

Mattel name: Cali Cool Ken

He graduated from the acclaimed Catholic high school that gave us the likes of Joe Garcia, Carlos Curbelo and a bunch of Diaz de la Portillas and he still hangs with all his bros from school. He now lives in a 4,000 square-foot McMansion in West Kendall.

Justin Bieber in Miami Ken 

(Courtesy of Mattel via AP)

Mattel name: Checked Style Ken

Accessories include a rented Bentley and a backpack filled with assorted bottles of alcohol. This Ken comes with an entourage that includes at least one Lawyer Ken doll. 

Equinox Ken

(Courtesy of Mattel via AP)

Mattel name: In Black & White Ken

Barbie is pretty sure Equinox Ken is checking her out while she sweats on the stairmill, but maybe he is just looking at himself in the mirror?  

Dolphin Mall Ken

(Courtesy of Mattel via AP)

Mattel name: Plaid on Point Ken

If you ever meet Dolphin Mall Ken, he is lugging a giant suitcase behind him that he is going to fill with discounted merch and take back to Brazil. Skintight joggers sold separately.

Bro Ken

(Courtesy of Mattel via AP)

Mattel name: Camo Comeback Ken

Bro Ken is not really from Miami, but he goes to UM and he will probably never leave the city after graduation because he grew up in someplace terrible like Ohio. 

Brunch Ken

(Courtesy of Mattel via AP)

Mattel name: Preppy Check Ken

Brunch Ken will have a tiny lap dog, and he will be drinking mimosas with three of the most beautiful Barbies you have ever seen. They are going to be talking so much trash about Bro Ken. 

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