While the rest of the country is approaching peak cuffing season, you’re reading this in Miami and it’s probably a nice 85 degrees. You might not even know what “cuffing season” is, which is a shame because it was a 2017 inductee into the Word of the Year list.
Whatever, let me clue you in. Cuffing season is a time of year that coincides with colder weather when people try to ditch their single status. Collins Dictionary defines it as “the period of autumn and winter, when single people are considered likely to seek settled relationships rather than engage in casual affairs.” I think that’s a simplified explanation.
A lot of effort and resources go into cuffing season. A friend of mine from the Midwest gave this synopsis:
Pre-season begins in September. Final draft picks happen by the end of October. Stay together through Christmas, New Year’s and Valentine’s Day. Start picking fights in March or April. Break up in May. Act a fool all summer.
See? That’s pretty intense. But the benefits are what pull participants every year: someone to keep you warm, gifts throughout the holidays, cute Instagram photos with your brand new boo… and all summer to mingle. Rinse then repeat.
But does Miami even have a cuffing season? We don’t even have real seasons! Since so much of cuffing season is dependent on a dip in temperatures, I’m leaning toward a big, fat no. Here’s why:
Our weather doesn’t require UGG boots, Timberlands nor North Face
We can’t even name three stores where these items can be purchased in Miami. OK, maybe Timberlands, but only two types of people wear those: unemployed teenagers about to brawl and employed construction workers. The point is never in life do we ever need these cold-weather items — a mate during our nonexistent cuffing season included.
We don’t want to cuddle
We prefer keeping an empty side of the bed so when we get hot, we can just flip over. We will not risk a good night’s sleep just to fill our bed.
True Miami pros know how to work the system
Let’s face it, cuffing season is really just an excuse for you to be a dignified ho. The reality is, if you’re participating in cuffing season every year, you’re going through a lot of partners. And that’s fine, claim your ho-ness! But we don’t need an official excuse in Miami. A true Miami ho knows how to work his or her partners. Whether that’s getting a new Rolex, the latest iPhone or just juggling multiple beds, we get what we need year round no problem. (Get on our level).
Our rent is too high to spend money on a temporary situation
As Beyonce said… bills, bills, bills. Our lease is 12 months. Ain’t nobody got time for a fling just for the sake of it. Come correct or don’t come at all.
It’s only cold maybe six days out the year
This clearly isn’t enough time to flirt, enter a relationship, do couple sh*t, get acquainted enough to make the other person feel obligated to purchase holiday presents, start picking fights, then break up. We’re exhausted just thinking about that. It’s too damn hot…
I’ve figured it out! What’s the Miami-equivalent of cuffing season? A one-night stand.