Five signs spring has sprung in Miami

The first official day of spring is March 20, but here in South Florida we know winter is already behind us. Days are longer. There are fewer out-of-state license plates.  We’re turning on the a/c more frequently and counting down the days until (sob) stone crab season ends.

Don’t believe me? Here are five signs spring is upon us.

1. Every palm frond and every leaf that used to be on every tree is now in your pool.

Nature wants to get into your pool.

The windy days of March are just a precursor to the violent summer squalls heading our way as Florida’s endless summer looms. But already there seems no point in fishing out the mess that’s blown in there. It’s just going to blow back in, isn’t it?

2. The mockingbird attacks have begun.

Walk outside – and duck and cover.  The mockingbirds come screaming out of the sky like tiny fighter jets, protecting their nests by dive bombing humans who haven’t had enough coffee yet. Listen, birds, we don’t want your babies. We’re just trying to get to our cars to begin a hard day’s commute to a job we don’t want to be at anyway.

3. Two words: Mango blossoms.

Get that baby some Claritin D! 

Open the front door, and you are slapped in the face by a punishing wall of pollen. The bane of every allergy sufferer’s existence, mango blossoms sprout eagerly, heedless of our agony, our streaming eyes, our aching nasal passages. And what do we get for our pain? Mangoes. This is not a fair trade.


4. The lubbers are back.

Sure, the eastern lubber grasshoppers are tiny and kind of cute right now. In a month, they will be huge, fist-size aliens gobbling every plant in your yard (except, tragically, mango blossoms). They have no natural predators and will turn your organic garden into a desolate wasteland.

5. Young people are twerking on the highways.

Go home. Please. 

No better sign of the season that the proliferation of inspiring videos of spring breakers performing life-threatening acts in traffic so that old people can shake their heads, complain and return to normal pursuits like applying mascara while driving.