The Miami Heat will play the Philadelphia 76ers in the first round of the NBA playoffs. But Miami doesn’t even have to beat Philly for us to know Miami is better than Philly.
Honestly, we don’t really have sports beef with our frenemies in Philly. The 76ers have had a great season after years of humiliation, and we like underdogs. The Philadelphia Eagles won the Super Bowl earlier this year, and we were extremely supportive of that endeavor.
Philadelphia is also the birthplace of America, which is pretty impressive. Miami is the birthplace of Monkey Jungle and twerking in traffic.
But we must suspend all mutual respect for the duration of these NBA playoffs. We missed the playoffs last year and badly need our dose of White Hot Heat.
So in the spirit of trash talking, here’s why Miami is better than Philadelphia. Except for the hot pretzels at Reading Terminal Market. Those are amazing.
Our suburbs are better, part 1
Do you have a suburb as enchanting as Kendall? Manayunk is nice and all, but we bet you don’t have a Dandy Bear.
Our suburbs are better, part 2
Is there a Philly equivalent of Hialeah? No. There’s no equivalent of Hialeah anywhere. This is probably for the best.
Cuban sandwiches > Philly cheesesteaks
This we believe. Go ahead. Come at us.
We can wear flip flops year round
We love our chancletas, and if you have a problem with that our abuelas will throw them at you.
Our team has Dwyane Wade
Yes, we know he’s very, very old, but D Wade possesses magical powers that stop people in Miami from fighting and inspires them to come together for a common good.
We don’t get the Wawa thing (unless we used to live in Philly)
We’re the least uptight city in America!
Yeah, OK, even we don’t believe this one.
You climb poles when you win championships. We bang pots and pans.
You can’t stop us. You can only hope to contain us.