There are nine movies nominated for Best Picture at the upcoming 2017 Oscars, but we all know where the true battle lies at the Academy Awards on Feb. 26. Sure, “Fences” has Denzel and Viola, and “Manchester By the Sea” made us cry ugly, and who doesn’t like Chris Pine in cowboy boots?
But the real showdown is between “La La Land” vs. “Moonlight.” Los Angeles vs. Miami. Their movie vs. ours. Vapid fantasy vs. gritty reality. West Coast vs. East Coast. Traffic jams vs … traffic jams.
Tender coming of age story versus…
We have some things in common. A nearby Hollywood. Avocados. An overabundance of Botox. And both films are critically adored. But even if “Moonlight” can’t beat “La La Land” for best picture – though it should – here’s what Miami still has over L.A.
1. We did that “La La Land” opening number with people dancing around on cars first.
Oh, yes, we did. In “Step Up Revolution,” the Citizen Kane of dance movies, filmed right there on Ocean Drive.
2. Our beaches are better.
That water is TOASTY!
No coastal oil drilling in South Florida (yet.) And the water is usually a balmy 80 degrees so you can enter it without a wetsuit.
3. Humidity doesn’t scare us.
Listen, we LIKE our humidity. It’s good for our curly hair and keeps our skin from desiccating like one of those melty “Raiders of the Lost Ark” faces and also prevents more people from moving here permanently.
4. We have mangoes!
We have mangoes, and L.A. doesn’t! Wait. L.A wins that round. Never mind.
5. We have stone crabs!
Crabs: cut them before they cut you.
Eat ’em with mustard sauce. Eat ’em with butter. Eat ’em any way you like and revel in the succulent joy.
6. We have more impressive critters.
L.A. has coyotes. Nice try. We have giant pythons that can survive in salt water, flesh-eating screwworms that turn deer into zombies, iguanas the size of goats, roaches that outweigh a Bichon Frise and possess the ability to fly, plus giant prehistoric gators that can climb fences. Also we have the drivers on the Palmetto.