Every city has their own brand of weird and Miami is no exception. For those that are visiting our fine metropolis, let us introduce you to some of the curiosities that you may sight. They may be similar to those of your own home town. But probably not.
1. A drive-through milk store
Are you short on time after work and just in need of a gallon of milk, two bananas and a loaf of bread? Head to Farm Stores Express, AKA La Vaquita (because the logo, duh), where you won’t have to get out of the comfort of your car’s super chill AC to load up on slightly overpriced yet crazy convenient necessities like Maria cookies, OJ and piping hot Cuban bread.
2. Bad butt jobs
Remember our old friend of the “Toxic Tush“? Well, Ron Oneal Morris isn’t alone in the desire to have a noteworthy backside. Miami, a city where vanity trumps budget, is lousy with cases of butts gone wild thanks to the abundance of plastic surgeons (of varying skill level) and randos with goo-filled syringes. Go park yourself on a bench at the Dolphin Mall and count the deformed posteriors. It’s fun!
3. So. Many. Lizards.
The little ones are going to get in your house. Don’t kill them. Just make peace with them.
4. Small houses with big fountains
And we are not talking little bird baths. These are masterpieces of Classical and Renaissance design made specifically to adorn your palatial manse in Westchester.
5. Sexy plastic surgery billboards
This one has likely caused plenty of accidents.
6. Roving gangs of peacocks
Head down Ludlum Drive in Palmetto Bay and you may have to stop your car to let a posse of six machos meander across the street only to make it half way and turn around. In Coconut Grove, residents are crying fowl over the bird’s proliferation (and their indecent public humping). They have legitimate concerns. Have you ever heard a peacock’s call? It sounds like a goose with bronchitis. Not cute.
7. A store just for fajas
A faja, for our non-Spanish speaking pals, is any kind of undergarment that squeezes your chubb into a smooth chubb bubble a la Spanx. Yes, Fajas Y Mas…, with five locations throughout South Florida, sells the kind of shapewear that they claim will help you “get up to two inches slimmer in seconds.” They are also peddling those corsets that all the girls are wearing in the gym to help widdle their waistlines. You know who loves fajas? People who are recovering from plastic surgery.
8. Bags with dead chickens
Miami’s santeria practicioners are very partial to rituals that involve a dead chicken, the full moon, a Sedanos bag and a freeway overpass. Anyone who runs in Miami has stumbled over at least one. But dead chickens in bags pop up like Pokemon Go critters (like outside of the courthouse, see above photo). To make things extra festive, there is an old ceiba tree in Little Havana where people just deposit chicken bones like it’s a wishing well.
9. A guy selling shrimp from a truck
Slow down, hipsters. We don’t mean like a legit food truck. We mean a beat up Ford F150 with a couple of beach coolers filled with bags of uncooked shrimp of some unknown origin. Probably from the Keys, right? The shrimp will be dirt cheap and you better cook it today.