Come the end of May, we’re in the thick of Miami summer. Here are things Miamians need to mentally prepare for as we go into muy-caliente overdrive.
1. It’s 95 degrees at 6:30 a.m.
The sun is barely out, and you’re sweating balls. Forget trying to look cute before heading to work. Sweat stains are happening. That early morning jog? That’ll be Bikram Jogging. Prepare to sweat – a lot.
2. Oy, it’s so huuuuumid
Forget the actual heat. Let’s talk about the other “H” word. By mid-July, you can cut the air with a machete. Frizz is in your future. Don’t fight it. Just rock that fur ball look with your pit stains.
3. “The Cone of Uncertainty”
See also: “The Dirty Side”, “NOAA”, “Chief Meteorologist [fill in the blank]” Hurricane season begins June 1, and every tropical storm is potentially The Big One. Maybe put up your shutters and and live in the dark till fall.
4. Less traffic
Miami is generally a giant parking lot, but in the summer there are a few places you can actually drive (Aventura, Bal Harbour). God bless the lack of snow birds and school because your morning commute has now been cut in half.
5. Your parked car is a sauna
Ah, the joys of third degree burns when you touch your black leather steering wheel. Even blasting A/C for at least 10 minutes doesn’t help. Fighting for that shaded parking spot at Target is an honorable battle.
6. Daily torrential downpours at 4 p.m.
The sun may be out all day, but every afternoon, BOOM! – the world is about to end. Noah’s flood ain’t nothing compared to a violent Miami summer rain storm. The bright side: 10 minutes later, the rain stops, Jesus arrives with glistening unicorns, and a rainbow appears over Kendall.
7. FPL bill triples
Expect to take a big financial hit even though air conditioning is not a luxury but a damned necessity. Like food and water. So what if you’re wearing a sweater inside your apartment? At least you’re not hot.
8. What bikini body?
We pretend to work on our summer bodies all winter when instead we were actually eating pizza and drinking beer. Showing off that new bathing suit is going to be traumatic. Hope you kept the receipt.
9. Iced cafe con leche
Extra ice, please.