7 Miami Nanny Probz

1) They Spend More Time on their Phone Than with Your Children

Nannies and cell phones go together like 7-Eleven and Slurpees — and not in a good way. Most nannies (just snoop around your neighborhood park to see exactly what we mean) endlessly chat (loudly!) and text (with dramatic flair!) on their smartphones like it’s their job. The whole charade makes us scratch our heads and wonder: What kind of data plan does this woman have?

TRUE STORY: We once caught our nanny shadily running the vacuum cleaner and soon thereafter slipping into the closet to chat up her best friend about last night’s shenanigans. ¡Qué pena!


2.) Your Kid is More Fluent in Spanish Than English

“Hola, mama, cómo estás?,” your little one says at pickup. Wait, what? Since when did your kid speak fluent Spanish? Since the nanny came along and refused to speak to them in English. Duh, you dummy. #FreeSpanishLessons #FutureCollegeSpanishScholarship #Blessed


3.) That Reggeatón Ringtone Tho

This one can be a real toughie, loyal readers. For reals, no one wants to hear snippets of Daddy Yankee’s noxious “Gasolina” roughly 43 times a day. That’s a solid fact. But you see, nannies and poor music choices go together like nannies and cell phones (you get the point). So just embrace the reggeatón ringtone and twerk whenever you hear the lyrics “Dame más la gasolina.” It burns calories. Winning!


 

4) She Dresses Inappropriately at Times

Most hardcore nannies wear fugly scrubs just like those D-list actors in Grey’s Anatomy. But when given the opportunity to wear ordinary clothes, well, her sartorial choices may sway on the slutty side. Don’t believe us? We’ve seen Daisy Duke cut-off shorts, crop tops, cleavage-baring shirts and high heels (no lie). Girl! We’ve seen The Hand That Rocks The Cradle. You best over up…or else.

5) She Dresses Your Child With Zero Effs Given

Polka dot shorts paired with a hot pink tutu and aqua T-shirt? Sure. Why not? Nannies will slap on any ridiculous ensemble to make your kid shut the heck up. This explains all the eccentric little children running around the playground sloppily dressed like the mondern-day reincarantions of Punky Brewster. 


6) The Telenovela Situation

Telenovelas: They’re sexy. They’re scandalous. Their plotlines have more twists and turns than a day in the life of the Kardashians. BUT WHY IS SHE ALWAYS WATCHING THEM? Shouldn’t she be playing a game of Twister the progeny? No, wait, the steamy makeout scenes are waaaaaay better. Whoops. Our bad.

7) Her Cooking Skills are Instagram-worthy

Her good ol’ home cooking gives Paula Deen a run for her money. And this is why we completely disregard the aforementioned issues all together. Homegirl can whip up empanadas and arroz con pollo so good…makes us wanna slap yo’ mama. Her sweet, gelatinous flan is pretty life changing, too. Food trumps all flaws. You know this. And that’s why she’ll be around until you send the kids off to college…or longer.

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