5 Brilliant Ideas to Deal with Pythons in the Everglades

Wildlife officers (left to right) James Bales, Sergio Najera, and Alexis Del Los Santos captured a 15-foot female Burmese python on Monday. The female was breeding with four other males — scientists call it a breeding ball — when the officers found her. They shot the female and two of the males. The other two escaped. Wildlife officers (left to right) James Bales, Sergio Najera, and Alexis Del Los Santos captured a 15-foot female Burmese pytho

Pythons are running rampant through the Everglades, chomping on all the wildlife, dropping eggs from Miami to the Keys and just being all around creepy and gross. 

The many attempts to curb the python population has failed, but one promising idea recently emerged. The Miami Herald reports that local authorities are considering taking serious action.  

South Florida water managers may amp up the state’s failing war against the Burmese python with a new weapon: a paid python posse.

On Thursday, the South Florida Water Management District will consider a proposal to hire hunters, paying them by the hour, plus a bonus for every snake killed, as part of a two-month, $175,000 pilot project. Hunters would patrol only district land in Miami-Dade County, which includes the vast water conservation area where remote tree islands offer hiding places perfectly suited for the well-camouflaged snakes.

This idea sounds great, but no real details have been provided. In the meantime, the animal experts at Miami.com have some really well thought out, genius ideas for eliminating this invasive species from our wetlands once and for all. 

1. Tell the foodies python meat is the new kale

Once python meat becomes a foodie trend, everyone is going to want to Insta some #foodporn of the latest celebrity chef’s tapas-style python au jus.

2. Tell Louboutin to make some python platforms

If we could only get the fashion world on board with all things python. Our money is on Project Runway doing a design challenge in the Everglades where the up-and-coming designers have to hunt, kill and skin a python and make the perfect party clutch. In less than three hours.

3. Tell the drug companies that python slime is the new viagra

Has Pfizer really explored all of the healing properties of the python? Not likely. They should send some R&D folks down here, stat!

4. Train the gators to kill the snakes

Poor gators. They used to be the deadliest predators in the Everglades. Then those pythons came in and started mowing down everything from foxes to deer. Now gators are just the stars of roadside attractions, waiting patiently for airboat operators to throw them some marshmallows. Teach them some good ninja moves, organize them into a militia and send them out to protect their native land, and those pythons would be gone in a few days.

5. Let FPL deal with them

What if FPL’s sketchy handling of the cooling canal system at Turkey Point and its leaking pollution into the Biscayne Bay could just be channeled into targeted destruction of the spots in the Everglades where pythons hang out? Get ready to see an itemized python tax on your next FPL bill.