Here at Miami.com we in no way have any authority to tell you how to drive like a safe, law-abiding citizen. For that, we suggest you peruse through the state driver’s handbook. (No, seriously. Please read it >>> http://bit.ly/2iizi8p).
We can, however, provide you with a step-by-step guide on how to be a complete idiot on these South Florida roads. We’ve seen it all.
Follow this guide at your own risk, or if you want your days behind the wheel to come to an end. Chances are you probably beat us to the punch.
1. Honk your horn in anticipation of the green light.
Just to make sure the loser three cars in front of you is paying attention. Ain’t nobody got time to miss this left turn.
2. Treat the yellow light as a challenge. Every. Time.
3. When you don't make the yellow, come to a screeching halt then put your car in reverse.
Pray there wasn’t a red light camera.
4. Approach all traffic circles with great confusion.
Never ever yield. When the car that was already navigating the roundabout honks at you, curse them out.
5. Drive at least 15 mph over the speed limit on the highway...
70 mph = 85+
6. ...unless you're in the left lane (or when the driver behind you is clearly in a rush). Drive 45 instead.
7. Plow through those flimsy Express Lane markers on I-95.
It’s your prerogative.
8. When an exit lane is backed up, drive in the next lane then cut someone off just before the off ramp.
9. Refuse to use that pesky turning signal.
That clicking noise it makes is so aggravating. Oh, you’ve never heard it, huh?
The preferred methods for properly switching lanes in Miami
- Cut a mofo off.
- When traffic is at a standstill, get the attention of the driver in the next lane over, then point at the space ahead of them.
- Edge uncomfortably close to the next car, essentially forcing them out of the lane.
- Cut a mofo off.
10. Ignore the school zone unless the cops or a crossing guard are present.
Don’t notice any of the fluorescent yellow signs and don’t acknowledge that there’s a school nearby. Also, honk at people who do slow down even when they’re obeying the law.
11. Never let a car stuck behind a city bus into traffic.
Sucks to be them.
12. Never rent moving trucks. Just pile your mattresses atop your car.
13. Make a right turn from the middle lane.
14. Cut past a person who is taking too long to make a left on yellow.
15. Never stop at a red light to make a right turn.
Attempt to turn even as incoming traffic inches closer.
16. Treat all stop signs as mere suggestions.
17. Check the weather forecast for rain just to know if you'll need to use your flashers that day.
Turn them on when the rain is really coming down hard then switch lanes suddenly. Pandemonio!
18. When your car stalls in the middle of traffic, don't use your hazard lights.
Do use your flashers when your morning cafecito spills into your lap.
19. Stop abruptly to switch lanes.
20. Use the center left turn lane as a passing (or a regular) lane.
The same applies for merging lanes. They are actually PASSING lanes.
21. Drive with fake insurance. Carry a load of cash just in case.
22. Play Four Corners with your registration stickers.
Extra points when you put it on the Florida orange.
23. Get a ticket. Arrive in court to fight it.
Weigh the likelihood that the cop won’t show in court and when he does, deny any wrongdoing.
24. Lose your license. Drive anyway.
25. Never refer to the Florida Driver's Handbook.
Be a leader. Not a follower.