If dating these days is a challenge, then dating in Miami might as well be the “Hunger Games.” Everyone is thirsty and the odds are typically not in your favor, especially on Tinder. If you were to scientifically classify the men of Tinder, you’d notice a peculiar array of species on a spectrum varying from sexy to sleazy.
Before you swipe in the 305, beware of the following:
1. The Guy With the Boat
Because there’s always one—or 100. He’s all about that “salt life,” only has photos on the water and his profile says he spends his days on his boat looking for a “mermaid in distress.” No matter how many times you swipe left, the Tinder gods will continue to disappoint you with yet another Romeo on a borrowed yacht.
2. The Sports Car Aficionado
Ferrari, Bugatti, Maserati—you name it. Or at least he’s got a picture of it. If you’re unsure about whether you want to start a relationship with a Transformer (since he clearly doesn’t have a face), then by all means follow the path of Beyoncé and swipe “to the left, to the left.”
3. The Club Promoter Who Knows Everyone
He might be able to get you in anywhere, but is it worth him interrupting your stories every five minutes to say hello to “friends” acquired at club doors from here to Hialeah? Swipe LEFT.
4. The Mystery Man
He’s got a body like Chris Hemsworth, a house like Christian Grey and a career like… wait, he won’t tell you his career. All you know is that he is a “business man,” it’s “complicated” and that he doesn’t want to bore you with the details of how he can afford Miami’s prime real estate. As good looking as he may be, call it quits and be MIA before you get a call from the CIA.
5. The One Who Still Lives With Abuela
At least his roommate can make you a mean cafecito?
6. The Hipster Who Only Wants to Take You to Wynwood
As if the handlebar mustache wasn’t a potent indicator, you can expect the Tinder Hipster to plan a stroll through the not-so-off-the-beaten-path Wynwood Walls. If he asks, just pretend this isn’t your 7,000th time taking a photo in front of the Dalai Lama mural. Following a candid photoshoot taken on his 35mm lomography film camera, you will find yourself sardined at Wood Tavern before the night is over. For best results, come prepared with an analysis of your favorite album from The Smiths and the titles of at least three foreign films no one has heard of.
7. The Beer Snob
Does “IPA” sound like a degree you’d get in college? If the answer is yes, steer clear of the Tinder Beer Snob. Unless you’re interested in learning about his palate and the last bottle release he waited in line for, hop on out of there. If you want to end things quickly and never see him again, order a PBR (a.k.a. the equivalent to signing a death certificate for your short-lived relationship).
8. The One You Didn’t Recognize with His Shirt On
The six-pack Tinder profile photo almost seems mandatory in Miami, but EVERY photo of this man is nearly au naturel. Maybe he can’t handle an extra layer of fabric in the 305 sweat lodge? Your heart says, “right,” but your brain says, “left.” To make him easy to identify, ask him to arrive either 1) with a red rose 2) shirtless or 3) both, fulfilling any odd fantasy you may have left from season 20 of “The Bachelor.”
9. The EDM-obsessed
He’ll drop you like a beat and leave you out to dry in Ultra’s populous.
10. The Not-So-Athletic Athlete
His bio said he played ball at University of Miami back in the day. Was he on the field? No, but you can spot him with a beer funnel at any given tailgate. You’ll know him by the drawer of fraternity shirts that barely fit and the delusion that he’s running a marathon in the fall. The only thing this guy is running from is painstaking denial.
11. The Gym Rat
His bio reads “Do you even lift?” Let’s not waste time weighing the options.
12. The Narcissist
Let’s talk about the impeccably groomed date that looks like he just stepped out of the pages of GQ. Don’t know him? He reeks of Acqua Di Gio cologne, claims he had the hard side part before it was a “thing,” and locks eyes with his iPhone camera more than he glances at you. If he has better eyebrows than you do, there is a BIG problem.
13. The Foreigner
Congratulations, you were finally swept off your feet by a Tinder charmer. The catch? His flight home leaves in the morning, he’s headed back to reality, and it’s time to share a sweet goodbye. Did you expect anything less?
Absurd and nightmarish, dating in Miami is reality TV worthy. And at the end of the day, what Miamian doesn’t love a great story to tell?