Oh Mah Gawwwwwd – this weather!!! Why is it raining – again – in paradise?!?! So please excuse us here in Miami if you see us doing one of these things while we check the green-blob radar on our phone for the 27th time.
1. Freak out!
What?!? It’s raining in Miami in the Winter!?! This is “Dry Season” – what’s going on here!?! Is there a hurricane coming?!? This is all because of Global Warming, isn’t it? OH MY GOD, we’re gonna die!!!
2. Call out sick.
You can’t go into work in this rain! You drive a car, not a boat! There’s no way you can leave the house now. And I’m 95% sure your boss called out sick too. In fact, I say let’s just close the office.
3. Cancel all lunch plans/happy hour plans/weddings/bar mitzvahs/etc.
Sure, you’ve been planning this lunch date for the last 3 months now (I know, you have a busy schedule – sh*t happens) … and well, now it’s raining so we’ll plan for lunch in like May of 2017.
4. Instagram the sh*t outta the weather
Make sure you use the darker filters like “Earlybird”, “Sienna” and my personal favorite “Brooklyn” as well as write moody captions like “This rain got me like …” and “All I wanna do is Netflix and Chill …” and hashtag it up with some clever hip-hop song lyrics like #makeitrain #umbrellaellaellaeheh
5. Complain about the weather
This is the only topic of conversation today. Call your mom and complain about this weather. Facebook your status and complain about this weather. Group Text your friends and complain about this weather. See that random person who’s waiting for the ATM – complain about the weather to him.
6. Unleash the Umbrellas
This is where you bring out 14 different umbrellas (majority of them you probably stole from other people) and have them in your bag, in your car, in your office, in your back pocket (for those conveniently-sized ones).
7. Bring out the Rain Boots
You seriously only get to wear it twice a year … and you being the slutty fire fighter last Halloween doesn’t count.
8. Google “Miami Sea Level Rising” and contemplate moving to North Carolina
Oh you’ve been there. When you see that giant puddle that turns into a stream and now it’s a lake – yeah, I see you Indian Creek Drive and parts of Downtown – that is NOT cool. And yes – we know, Miami will be the future Atlantis … we get it. Now, who wants to buy my condo in cash so I can move to higher ground?
9. Only go to places where they have covered parking or valet
This is serious, people. And I do not care if there is a minimum 2 hour long wait for me to valet my car when all I can do is just park 2 blocks in a metered parking and save at least $20 in valet fee and not have to waste half my day. You cannot expect to get my new Balenciaga bag slightly wet, do you???
10. Become a seasoned meteorologist
Now that you are constantly checking your Weather app every 5 minutes, congratulations – you are officially the new Al Roker! Now that the cold front is moving NE with winds 25 mph … yeah, go f**k yourself.
11. Last but not least … drum roll please … DRIVE LIKE A TODDLER
Seriously; why is it in Miami that when it rains, we loose all capabilities of common sense on the road? We are all of sudden driving 10 mph on I-95 or going 110 mph on a residential back road. Oh and Stop Lights? What’s that? Was that a stop sign just now? Did I run over a person or was that just a pot hole? Holy sh*t, I don’t know how to turn on my windshield wipers! Is that a cop? Keep driving! Faster! Go! Go! Go!