We Want You!

I was going to write this blog on Friday, the first day of Miami Spice Month (really Miami Spice Two Months), to tell all of you to get out there and start stuffing your faces. But I was too busy stuffing my own face. Ok, not really. I actually just grabbed pizza at Spris before heading over to Miami.com's fabo party at Set, a place I normally avoid like the plague (along with any other establishment that opens its doors at my bedtime and makes me bust out my "ho clothes").

West Coast Woo-ha

Miami Ink may have put this city on the tattoo map - seems as though on any given day one can spot as many tourists outside this shop as the mansion formerly known as Versace - but after this weekend, I've realized Miami has nothing on the West Coast. No, not L.A.

Sarasota, fools.

Like I've said a few times in this blog, I don't care for the beach. I feel like that kid in Powder when I step foot on the sand, struck with paralyzing fear that the sun is searing my skin by the second. Sure, you may be thinking to yourself, lordy, that's a little dramatic, but I managed to come back from a weekend in Sarasota with third degree burns. Yes, it's true -- I didn't put sunscreen on right away. And yes, I was at like 1 p.m., when the sun is directly over you, shooting its death rays. But seriously, it must've only been 15 minutes. 30 tops. This is all beside the point, of course.

What Swim Shows?

Mercedes-Benz Swim show week (actually, only five days) ended on Monday. I didn't go to anything. When I first started in this "news" business -- news is in quotes, because it's not like I hide in bushes and bust dirty commissioners or anything -- I went to all the fabo parties. If an invite showed up in my inbox, I RSVPd. Quickly, though, the free drinks and see-and-be-seen fascination wore off. Thus, when the swim shows rolled around, I let out a big old "eh."

Not that the event isn't a fabulous display of Spandex, because it is, and Miami.com was there to partake in all the fun with our very own booth, complete with videos of the shows streaming, ice coffee, games, cushy sofas and, our biggest hit, a giant fan. However, I still wear the bathing suit I bought at Target like four years ago. I go to the beach maybe once a year, as I don't care for sand and how it sticks to you after swimming in salt water, which leaves my eyes feeling like I poured peroxide in them. I also have the skin tone of an aspirin. So swim fashion isn't really on my radar.

What's the stupidest thing you did today?

So if you're an avid Miami.com blog reader (and why wouldn't you be?), you know that my car was recently deemed a piece of crap (a title waaay overdue). You would also know that I took it to Gary, the Car Whisperer. But what you didn't know was what happened after that wondrous encounter. I know, I know: you haven't been able to sleep or work, as you've been constantly checking Miami.com for an update on my car's sitch.

Well, Gary's spark plug (and a/c) work was all that and a bag of lugnuts. The tires, however, he informed me, would have to be put on at an official "tire" place. So after coping with my abandonment issues (you mean I have to [gulp] leave and go somewhere else?) and telling Gary about 20 times that I would be back the following week for a balance/alignment -- to which he replied, "well, you don't have to do that right away," (and I felt the knife of rejection go through my heart) - I headed to the cool retro-looking Firestone on Alton Road and 16th Street.

Miami.com Happy Hour @ SushiSamba

When I go grocery shopping (usually once a week for any combination of cereal, toilet paper and chocolate), I'm not the type to load up on pudding if it's 4 for $5 or whatever. I know people who will purchase said pudding even if they don't usually eat pudding, just because they'll save a buck. This weekend, however, the on-sale gods were smiling down upon me, as I struck savings gold with 2 for $5 Kashi cereal, 99-cent 300-count cotton balls and 2 for $5 blueberries. Mind you, this was more than half of my grocery list. According to my Publix receipt, I save a total of $7.

That's like half a drink at, oh, I don't know, SushiSamba? And, oh, what a coincidence, that's where we're having our next happy hour. Tomorrow night, from 8-9 p.m., you can sip on 2-for-1 Lemon Samurais, then stay afterward for our special $36 prixe fixe menu and antics. Antics, you say? That's right, Tuesday night is SS's Cosplay party, during which partying types dress up like their favorite Japanese anime character. Of course, if all you have is a Batman costume, go ahead and bust it out. After a few drinks, no one will remember why they're there anyway.

Sign #326 You're an Adult...

Usage of the phrase: "You have a lovely home."

The Car Whisperer

My car is officially a piece of crap. Granted, it's not a Family Truckster, but I've been fixing my '99 Jetta Macguyver style for a while now. Here's what's been duct-taped, super-glued and simply yanked off after being deemed non-essential so far:

Passenger side window
Diagnosis: F-ed up motor thingy that makes it go up and down
Symptoms: Loud, scary noise when anyone attempts to put it down
Solution: Screaming "Ahhh, don't touch the window button!"

Driver's side door handle

The Closer VIP Screening Contest

Some people associate summer with vacations, BBQs and car seat-induced sweaty backs. For others, however, summer only means one thing: bad TV. Re-runs, crappy filler reality shows (except My Life on the D-List and Project Runway, of course) and even crappier game shows hosted by resurrected sitcom stars send boob tube junkies everywhere into remote control shock. They simply rock in their favorite recliner, staring at a blank screen and occasionally cursing the writer's strike, waiting for the day when Sayid and Sawyer come back into their lives.

For those of you who have become fans of cop drama The Closer, in which sassy Brenda Leigh Johnson (Kyra Sedgewick) uses her mad crime solving skillz to close cases, you're in luck: the new season starts Monday, July 14. And luckier for you, we're giving away a free passes to a VIP preview screening of the first episode on July 9th, 7 p.m., at Pangea nightclub in the Seminole Hard Rock Casino & Hotel. Here's what you have to do to get them:

4th of July Contest

THIS CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED. CONGRATS TO WINNER MIKEE03!

Wouldn't it be fabulous if your rich friend invited you out on his/her yacht (a small yacht, nothing pretentious) for his/her annual 4th of July fireworks watching party? No sand to wash off when you get home, no driving around trying to find parking in the name of patriotism and hot dogs, no cheesy Americana soundtracks blasting for ambiance (for the love of liberty, no more "Proud to be an American"), no annoying families insisting on shooting off the ghetto explosives they bought at the flea market two feet from your face.

More Stuff That's Good

I like to balance my decadence (and by decadence I mean a cupcake every three years) with things that, in my mind, give me the butt of a part-time yoga instructor/part-time swimsuit model. That said, I give you the next edition of Stuff I Like: things that make me skinny. Or at least not dread putting on jeans that just came out of the dryer.

Coconut Grove Farmer's Market
If I actually cooked, I would come here weekly to stock up on fresh veggies (everything from normal stuff like cucumbers to slightly weirder stuff like tamarind), fruits and spices. Glaser Farms sets up a full-on grocery store under its tent -- minus meat, cheese, bread and toothpaste - but since my food shopping consists of cereal and milk, I'm glad they also have already prepared selections: wraps made w/ Japanese nori sheets, avocado salad, every fruit juice known to man and even dairy-free ice cream. If you don't like going to Whole Foods because you feel like a health yuppie, take it to Grand Ave., where the market takes place every Saturday.